My Latest Fear
My cranky-pants are on in full force this morning. I should probably write a Marvelous In My Monday post to cheer myself up, but I didn’t have time yesterday to get all my weekend photos transferred to WordPress and I also just don’t feel like it. I just need to rant/vant/etc.
I had a very fun last few days full of special moments with the family and friends I am lucky to have in my life. Okay, I’ve acknowledged that I’m extremely fortunate. I know that. But as I’ve mentioned before, the more I enjoy, the more afraid I get that I am going to gain weight and look awful. I’ve tried talking myself through these moments of fear and fighting the irrational thoughts with those based in self-love. I’ve gotten to a point where though I may still be tempted by my ED and restriction, I am able to make healthier choices that nourish me both mentally and physically in a way that no choices I made during the worst of my ED ever could have.
So here’s where my latest fear comes in, and I’m hearing it more and more as my mind questions whether or not summertime weekend fun is okay. What if I get so good at showing myself love, that I take it too far and end up gaining weight and looking bad? I felt pretty shitty about having more drinks than I planned to at an outdoor festival on Saturday night, but I still had a beer and a glass of wine at the golf tourney I attended the next day (yesterday) because I wanted them. I certainly could have skipped sampling a few bites of my grandma’s lobster mac and cheese on Friday night, but it was my brother’s graduation dinner and I was having fun and wanted to try some, so I did.
I am constantly questioning when the “It’s okay Caitlin, you deserve it!” mantras that I have been practicing repeating to myself are going to catch up with me, weight-wise. I am afraid that I will gain too much weight and then will be out of practice on the other end of the spectrum’s mantras; those like “You can always have another glass of wine tomorrow!” or “You don’t really need that after-dinner snack!” I’m afraid to love myself too much, because my mind tells me I will then lost the ability and drive to make the choices that will keep me fit and slim.
I look at myself in the mirror and try to accept what I see. Then I wonder when I will stop accepting. Will I keep being okay with my body if I continue to gain weight? Will I get too good at acceptance, to a point where I just accept myself if I weigh too much? Will I keep giving myself license to indulge (a word I try to avoid using, but it feels appropriate here) even when I shouldn’t be?
All these thoughts and my activities from Thursday night to Sunday afternoon caught up with me last night. Everything started piling down on me until I had to just shut myself in the bathroom and have a good cry. But it didn’t help like I thought it would; I woke up this morning still feeling crappy about myself and afraid to practice self love. It’s something my mind is telling me I shouldn’t get too good at. And that’s just rude.
I just had to get all this out. I know I’m fortunate. I’m thankful, I promise. But ED recovery is hard because I’m honestly afraid to be recovered. Sometimes I dislike being at a healthy weight, and I wish for that “cushion” that being underweight gave me. I miss the sense of control. All I want is to be happy and healthy, and it sounds simple, but it’s so not.
How do you show yourself love and acceptance?
Have you ever felt afraid to be happy?