Tag Archives: anxiety

Trade ‘Em Up Tuesday: Recovery

I really enjoyed the last Trade ‘Em Up Tuesday I participated in (thanks as always Alex for the idea!) and Carly’s amazing and honest post yesterday inspired me to take a similar topic and combine it with Trade ‘Em Up. There are plenty of moments when I still find myself missing the days of my eating disorder and the various sources of the “high” it gave me. But there are also plenty of sacrifices I made that I would not want to have to make again. So today I’m going to share what I would not trade, and what I sometimes want to trade, about recovery. Please be aware that the trades are not things I plan to do or think are a good idea to do! But it helps to take the voices in my head and put them here on this blog, so I can sort out those thoughts of temptation to slip back into old habits. I would not trade…cheese and nut butter. I remember the first sandwich I ordered with cheese on it, once I started treatment. I did it so I could tell my nutritionist I had done so, and not feel like I was lying to her (except I was already lying about a bunch of other stuff). But that first bite was…heavenly. My body seriously reacted to the fat in an almost scary way…that’s how deprived I was. I ate that sandwich SO freaking slowly, savoring every last bit of the cheese, even though there wasn’t all too much on there (of course I’d asked for light on the cheese). I also used to freak out if I ate nut butter more than two days in a row, and even then only one serving was okay, measured out and all. Now I love cheese so much, more than I ever did even before my ED began. I adore trying new nut butters and think a banana almost tastes sad without one (unless Chobani is involved).

Yes it was MY idea to order this Cask Republic cheese plate a couple of weeks ago.

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If I’m Being Honest…

If I’m being honest…I have not been in a good mental place the last few days and need to vent. I feel as if I need to write out the thoughts berating me so that I can make sense of them, figure out what to do in response to them, and/or try to quiet them.

If I’m being honest…I don’t remember the last time (since starting recovery) that I felt so dissatisfied with my body. I hate every photo I see and every angle looks bad in the mirror. I’m at this point where I really feel this want to “clean up” my diet. I want to “tone up”. I want to change the way my body looks. And what’s really annoying is I don’t know how to do that and not have an eating disorder. I don’t know if it’s “okay” to want to do that. When does that stop being called restriction? When does it stop being considered disordered behavior? Clare wrote a good post about this…can I be healthy in recovery? Can I make an effort to “clean up” my eats without falling prey to ED?

If I’m being honest…I am not in a place where I can try to “eat cleaner” without it being about my ED. Because the urge to restrict and deprive myself is seriously stronger right now than it has been in awhile. I’m still trying to learn to be okay with enjoying the food and drinks I love, so cutting back on some of them is going to hinder that journey. I keep seeing people Instagram their #eatclean-worthy meals and their heart rate monitors and their mile upon mile long runs and their brags about ordering water instead of a drink – and I want to do that. I want to get lost in that “look at me I’m so healthy” mindset so I can feel good about myself again. Now I’m not saying that I plan to do this. I’m not saying it is the answer…but I miss that high from looking back on my day and knowing I only ate X and didn’t eat Y.

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Trade Em Up Tuesday

Alex is a big fan of Trade Em Up Tuesday (her post today is living proof) and I have always wanted to participate, but the timing never worked out. Well today it has and I have plenty of little shares, so this post is perfect for just that!

I would trade…the serious Monday doldrums I was in yesterday. I know I said that I allowed myself to enjoy my weekend without too much regret and I did…until Sunday night. I went over to Kat‘s to have dinner and watch the Golden Globes with our friend Carolyn, and ended up drinking way more Cupcake Prosecco and St. Germaine than I’d originally planned. I also ate a TON of baby cabbages (roasted in olive oil and curry powder, a new-to-me roasting ingredient that I’ll surely be using again) which just made me feel so full. Even if I’m full of veggies, that full feeling is hard to deal with and messes with my head. I woke up on Monday feeling dehydrated and bloated, so my clothes felt tight on me. I checked the tag on my shirt and it read XS, so I attempted to comfort myself with the fact that such a small size purchased earlier in my recovery surely may feel smaller on me now, but then my ED started beating me up for trying to make myself feel OK with not fitting into the smallest sizes out there. AGH.

I would not trade…the excellent time I had at Kat’s! Carolyn is hilarious so having her around to watch the awards with us was great. Kat made an amazing dinner (she roasted a lemon and rosemary chicken and gave me a mini tutorial on how to do so; it turned out delicious) and damn, Prosecco and St. Germaine is fantastic. Of course I also got quality time with Kat’s daughter Penelope, and even was able to babysit her for about thirty minutes while Kat and her hubby went on an errand. It meant a lot to me that they trusted me with their little girl and I hope it was the first of many babysitting sessions to come!

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Checking Myself to Wreck Myself

Without the scale, I have latched on to a couple of bad habits to “keep track” of changes in my body. One is psycho-analyzing how my pants fit. The other is body checking.

I’ve been wanting to write a post addressing body checking ever since Sam discussed the topic (almost a year ago!) on her amazing blog (a must-read for anyone interested in eating disorders and recovery). The truth is, though I have gotten better about it, I still body check. My stomach is the area of my body I am most self conscious about, and it is hard to resist the urge to lift up my shirt and look in the mirror during the day just to see what it looks like. I often examine my body from many different angles in the morning when I am getting dressed, and/or in the evening before/after I shower. This sounds like an extremely vain practice and it’s a bit embarrassing to admit, but I do it.

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Back In Town

Tonight is New Year’s Eve, and I wish I could say I’m going into it ready to enjoy myself, but I’m experiencing lots of hesitation about my plans for the evening. I don’t have super-high expectations of a special New Year’s Eve; I learned long ago not to hope for “that magical night”. But my plans involve dinner at Bricco Trattoria then celebrating at Rooftop120. I’m going to be with my siblings and some of my oldest friends. I need to be excited! But New Year’s Eve out after trips to NYC and Florida, which happened to fall around the food-and-drink-heavy Christmas season, just has me thinking about calories. And the poor workout I will have the next day if I feel even the slightest bit hungover.

I got in almost all of the restaurant trips I wanted to this vacation. I already mentioned Chick-fil-A and Duffy’s. I also got to have a healthy plant-based lunch at Christopher’s Kitchen, got my Quizno’s fix in the airport during the trip home, had a special dinner at Seasons 52 with my family, Kat, and her sister, and got to take my sister and good friend Greg to the Rum Bar for some tropical beverages. And though TooJay’s was out of black and white cookies on Christmas Day, I got one later!

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I Hate Pants

I woke up this morning with the urge to write this post so what I had planned for today will be up tomorrow. Now “hate” is a strong word. And I know that pants, especially given the fact that it’s sleeting outside in CT right now, are necessary at times. But I have to say, pants are my least favorite article of clothing. Pants have the power (or I give them the power) to completely change my mood. Pants give me a number that my mind can grasp upon and use to beat me up. Pants are a form of measurement, and when the measuring consists of noticing that you absolutely don’t need a belt with pants you used to need one with, it’s really enough to make you want to throw the pants in a heap and live in yoga pants.

Maxis are nice too.

Bikinis get a bad rap as being the dreaded article of clothing for those with body image issues. But I beg to differ. At least when I wear a bikini, I can put something on over it to cover it up and feel fine. Bikinis have stretchy waists that are sometimes even adjustable. Though I’ve been experiencing anxiety about wearing a bathing suit in Florida at the end of this month, it isn’t comparable to the anxiety I feel each morning I wake up and have to put on a pair of jeans that have just been washed.

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MIMM: Home and Away

The winner of the Ellovi Body Butter giveaway is Mahdi! Congratulations and look for an email from me about getting you your free jar of raw six-ingredient body butter. Remember if you didn’t win you can get 15% off (click here to purchase a jar) by entering offer code “caitplusate”.

I went into the weekend wary of how I would handle my plans to visit my good friend/former neighbor Molly in Boston on Saturday night. I still wasn’t feeling good about myself after Wednesday night’s dinner out and was doing a lot of future-tripping over the guilt I would surely feel after a day and night of restaurant hopping in Beantown. For that reason I made sure to keep Friday night low-key and stayed in my hometown. Of course everything turned out marvelous in the end, as it often does. I’ve got another weekend of excellent memories and moments I’d re-live again in an instant, even if they also came with some not-so-kind thoughts toward myself.

Share your marvelous via Katie’s link-up!

Marvelous are…my tolerant, flexible parents. I was a bit of a mess when I got home Friday night. I’d been sitting in traffic, stewing with too much time to think about our evening dinner plans. We would have to fight that same traffic again to get over to our planned destination (Rizzuto’s in West Hartford) and it didn’t seem worth it. But if we didn’t go there, where would we go? I’d already mentally prepared myself for one restaurant and I know it sounds silly, but I do not handle plan changes well when it comes to food. Hello, control freak. My parents calmed me down when I got home and let me choose a new restaurant destination that I was comfortable with and that also wouldn’t take us on a highway. Speaking of which…

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Accepting My New Normal

Thank you guys so much for your comments on yesterday’s post. It’s always a comfort to know I’m not alone in my seat on the crazy train. Writing is therapeutic for me and that’s why I’m back again today; I’ve needed to give myself a lot of self-therapy over the last 48 hours. Mondays are always the hardest for me mentally because I tend to do more “indulging” on the weekends. (Huge Sidebar: I’m putting indulging in quotes because I really can’t stand the word. If I “indulge” in something, but I do so every weekend, does that mean I’m indulging too much? Does that mean I’m doing something unhealthy on a weekly basis? Labeling X as an indulgence and Y as healthy really messes with my head, and that’s why I recently deleted my Indulgences board on Pinterest. I don’t need anything else around tempting me to categorize my food.)

OK, back to your regular programming. Yesterday was a particularly sucky-mindset Monday for me, despite your awesome support and reassurance. I’ve reached a point in my recovery where I do not give in as easily to ED’s temptations to restrict and over-exercise and hide from a life worth living. In terms of the way I actually live out that life, I am for sure in a better place than I was a year ago. But that does not mean the mind fuck of an eating disorder goes away. In fact, it means I’m dealing with a more self-degradation than ever before. Gone is that comforting feeling of constant hunger. Gone is the minimum of 200 minutes of cardio per week that I always HAD to do. And most scary at all, gone is the belt that I used to have to wear with all of my jeans.

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Cait Plus Rach in Newport – Part 2

Before reading this final post about my first two posts on my long weekend in Rhode Island, you can read the first two posts – about an afternoon in Providence and our first few restaurant stops in Newport – if you missed them!

Saturday Afternoon

After being sufficiently wined at Newport Vineyards, Rachel and I made our way back to Downtown Newport to try a new (only a few months old) spot we’d both eyed the night before – Midtown Oyster Bar. The main allure came from the rooftop dining options, but the inside of the restaurant, with its multiple levels and huge open spaces, was gorgeous as well.

View from our seat!

View from our table!

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‘Toga! ‘Toga!

The second portion of my epic weekend began Saturday morning; I woke up in Kat‘s guest bedroom (I stayed over after Friday night’s concert since she lives in that area), got decked out, and hit the road with her, her husband Mike, and baby Penelope. Our destination? The race track in Saratoga…my first time there!

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Kat, Penelope, and I donned our preppiest dresses! Kat and Penelope both wore Lilly Pulitzer, because mommy and daughter simply MUST match. I wore my nicest dress, by Vineyard Vines…the one I tricked my dad into buying me since it’s Tennessee Vol orange and white 😛

And this time, Penelope did not poop on her Lilly ensemble!

And this time, Penelope did not poop on her Lilly ensemble!

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Meet Caitlin

I’m a 28 year old full-time working girl living in Boston (previously lived in Connecticut). I’m passionate about food/drink, restaurants, self-love, fitness, and the ever-present search for balance. I write about that journey on this blog – I hope you enjoy!

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Design Credit

My header was originally designed by Mai Le and later tweaked by Chris Roggi to match this theme, which he helped me customize. He also moved me over to self-hosting! Both can be contacted through their sites for design & development work!

Disclaimer

I am not an RD and do not have any official training, certifications, or degrees in nutrition or fitness. This blog is a way to write about my life. Any views I express are mine alone, based on what works for me, and should never be taken as medical advice. Always talk to your doctor or a trained professional before starting a new diet or fitness plan. In addition, this blog and its content are in no way affiliated with Kate Gosselin, “Kate Plus 8”, TLC, or any related affiliates.

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