Tag Archives: eating disorder

Five Pounds

You may recall the “incident” when I went to a new doctor in Boston in mid-May, and peeked at my weight. I felt relieved at that time, because it wasn’t as high as my catastrophic-thinking-mind had thought it’d be.

Now a little less than four months later it was time to go back to the doctor yesterday morning and check in. And as much as I tried not to look at the scale, I caught a glimpse of my weight on the computer screen after the physician’s assistant had typed it in – and I felt my heart drop into my stomach.

Five pounds. That is how much higher the weight was, after a little less than four months.

The doctor came in and, while looking over my vitals, commented that my weight looked good. I gave a little snort and she looked at me inquisitively. I said I didn’t feel that it looked that good and she said to me, “Well, you gained weight. Now you’re at the low end of normal BMI. And to be honest, you look better now than you did when I first saw you.”

But I didn’t really care about any of that and none of it made me feel better. The thoughts in my mind told me that the best looking people are not a normal BMI, they are a lower BMI. They have less body fat than what is “healthy”. It’s often hard for me to take compliments that I look “better” or “healthy” or “good” because to me that just screams “NOT SKINNY”.

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Wouldn’t It Be Nice…

I made marvelous memories this past weekend but I also spent much of it in a negative funk with too much focus on body image, guilt, fear, comparison traps, and myself in general. The idea for this post popped up in my head yesterday I was taking a walk after the gym and feeling bad for leaving Zumba class halfway through because it was causing lots of pain in my shin.

Because, wouldn’t it be nice…

…if rest could be viewed as a component of a workout/training plan, and not a break from it?

…if putting on pants wasn’t something that needed to be preceded by a pep talk?



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What I’m “Allowed”

This is a post that’s been weighing on the back of my mind for awhile now and on the front of my mind the entire Memorial Day weekend. I’m still struggling with recovery and what it means in terms of what I’m “allowed” to feel about my body, or what I’m “allowed” to do about my body if my feelings about it are not so favorable. I continue to have great weekends and attend fun events in Boston – and when I go home! I continue to do a pretty good job of not depriving myself. But I also continue to feel as if my body is changing in ways I strongly dislike (dare I say hate), as a result of all that lack of deprivation. I feel like my lack of deprivation is actually overdoing it. I feel as if I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum now, and my body shows it. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel gross. I feel disgusting. Last night I met up with Jen for a patio drink to conclude our holiday weekend, and I wore a dress I purchased back on Black Friday 2011. It felt so tight on me, and I felt like I was busting out of it. I felt self-conscious and wished I was wearing something more bag-like. I kept mentally pulling up in my mind photos of me in the same dress when I wore it in Orlando in March 2012, or at the Mohegan Sun BrewFest later that same year.

Before dinner with my parents, in Orlando.

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I Peeked

I’ve told my scale story in the past. I haven’t had any plans to step on a scale in quite awhile. I haven’t even felt tempted. But last week during a visit to the doctor, after I stepped on the scale backwards and asked the nurse not to tell me my weight, I began to wonder. And once we got to the examination room and she set the clipboard down, I couldn’t resist a sudden urge to look over at the paper where she’d written down my weight. And I peeked.

So I saw how much I weighed, and I actually breathed a sigh of relief. Because in my mind, since I’ve been feeling as if I go out too often and don’t work out enough, I felt sure that I’d gained a significant amount of weight. I often find myself hating the way my pants feel, and without a scale in my life, that’s been my personal measure of body change. But the number I saw wasn’t as high as I’d assumed it’d be. And that made me happy.

Today’s shorts – I used to absolutely need a belt with these (last summer) but now I can get away with not wearing one. I’ve definitely noticed.

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Meh In My Monday

I know Monday is when I’m supposed to come in with a Marvelous In My Monday post and recap my marvelous weekend, negative thoughts and anxieties in all. I know I’m supposed to use MIMM posts as a way to remind myself of the marvelous in my life that I’m lucky to have – and then that’s supposed to cheer me up. But I really don’t feel like going that route today because I’m just feeling so meh. I have a lot of crap weighing on my mind, and it’s not all ED/recovery related. Instead of focusing on the marvelous to distract myself, I really just want to talk about it all and get it off my chest. So that’s what I’m going to do.

But I guess I’ll get the food/fitness stuff out of the way. My week last week was the most meh workout week I’ve had in a long time. I had work-related events going on a couple of evenings, plus Marathon Monday and plans Friday night, so the only day I was able to do an after-work gym session (which means my beloved group fitness) was Tuesday. That was great but the other days of the week were morning workouts, no classes, and by the end of the week I was just so over it. I have a hard time motivating myself without classes and getting wrapped up in anxiety about not working “hard enough” without a class only makes me feel less motivated to push myself.

Thursday I went out with coworkers after work and had an awesome time but woke up at 3AM with 1.5 hour long insomnia. When my alarm went off for the gym – another solo session – I debated for a bit and decided to say screw it. Rest day for me. Well I never went back to sleep despite the fact that I felt EXHAUSTED, which only made me feel lazy for skipping the gym. Thankfully my mood improved a bit after I skipped out on Friday afternoon wine tasting at work and also walked two miles to meet Annie for dinner (all the while phone chatting with Kaitlin).

Classy picstitch courtesy of Annie!

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Thinking Out Loud: Recovery Update

Not only has it been a couple of week since I joined Amanda‘s Thinking Out Loud Thursday link-up, but it’s also been awhile since I addressed how I’m doing (since moving to Boston) with my ongoing ED recovery journey. (If you’re new to my blog, you can read about my past and progress on my About Me.) I thought I’d go for a combo and update everyone in a random-thoughts format. But the bottom line is: It’s going pretty well!

1. I’ve found a therapist…for now at least. The person I’m seeing (we’ve had about 4 bi-weekly sessions at this point) is not nearly as helpful (so far) as my therapist in CT, but at the same time I haven’t felt as much of a “need” to see a therapist since I’m just so busy and also quite happy here, so I guess I’d call her good enough. I honestly didn’t have the energy to keep looking for someone…this person is a five minute walk from my office, so I can just pop out and see her over a lunch break and then come back. I just haven’t been getting a ton out of the appointments, except the chance to talk at someone and get feedback. Yet perhaps at this point that’s all I really need. I’m still thinking on this one.

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MIMM: I Did It!

I don’t exactly feel quite as cheery as this title and its exclamation point make it seem, but I still feel a hell of a lot better than I did yesterday. I can’t remember the last time I blogged on a weekend but I did yesterday, just a quick rant, because I was sitting at my laptop feeling sorry for and doubtful of myself. I set out to prove to my all-or-nothing mind that I could enjoy last night’s Super Bowl eats without going overboard, without getting too full, and also without restricting. Well I proved to myself just that, so that’s pretty marvelous.

Link up with Katie today and share your marvelous.

In terms of beverages, I decided to start with a beer I purchased a long time ago and was saving for a beer-esque evening such as Super Bowl Sunday. Plus I thought it’d be easy to sip slowly. John Henry 3-Lick Spiker Ale was recommended to me at Yankee Spirits because I shared with the sales associate that I am a bourbon lover. This beer is aged in bourbon oak chips and I adored it! I want to try some more John Henry beers now. After the beer I switched to another special something that I was motivated to sip slowly – the last of some Johnnie Walker Blue my dad had! What a marvelous guy (my dad, not Johnnie). The evening later ended with champagne…Andres, not so marvelous, but it’ll do.

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Trusting Myself

Thursday, Friday, and Saturday were hard for me. Thursday I ate an un-planned carby dinner. Friday I was out with friends who didn’t finish their grilled cheese or their fries, so I ate them. Saturday I had a delicious meal with friends at a new-to-me hole-in-the-wall gem of a restaurant, Suso. The food was incredible but the table ordered so much of it and I ended up really full. Three nights in a row that my plan of what I ate for dinner and how much I ate did NOT happen. I ended up eating different food and/or too much food. It was enough to leave me in a really bad place Saturday night when I came home from dinner. It’s been a long time since my mom had to stroke my hair and offer me comfort as I cried it out, but it happened.

I felt and feel so very frustrated with myself. My all-or-nothing thinking is taking hold and I’m experiencing this petrifying feeling, a fear that three nights in a row means a new habit, that this will keep happening. I don’t want to let food rule my life and alter my experiences and dominate my thoughts. I want to be a normal person who can eat, enjoy, savor, and move on. I feel so ashamed of myself and a freak for not being able to say, “Okay I’m full, let’s stop eating now.” Saturday night I recall sitting at the table, staring at the food even though I was full. I couldn’t stop thinking about it til I tried a bit more here, a bit more there. I have this assumption now that I can’t trust myself, that I can’t be around food or I will go overboard. So black and white…as if the only way I can trust myself to not eat too much is to not eat at all, and to restrict.

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Trade ‘Em Up Tuesday: Recovery

I really enjoyed the last Trade ‘Em Up Tuesday I participated in (thanks as always Alex for the idea!) and Carly’s amazing and honest post yesterday inspired me to take a similar topic and combine it with Trade ‘Em Up. There are plenty of moments when I still find myself missing the days of my eating disorder and the various sources of the “high” it gave me. But there are also plenty of sacrifices I made that I would not want to have to make again. So today I’m going to share what I would not trade, and what I sometimes want to trade, about recovery. Please be aware that the trades are not things I plan to do or think are a good idea to do! But it helps to take the voices in my head and put them here on this blog, so I can sort out those thoughts of temptation to slip back into old habits. I would not trade…cheese and nut butter. I remember the first sandwich I ordered with cheese on it, once I started treatment. I did it so I could tell my nutritionist I had done so, and not feel like I was lying to her (except I was already lying about a bunch of other stuff). But that first bite was…heavenly. My body seriously reacted to the fat in an almost scary way…that’s how deprived I was. I ate that sandwich SO freaking slowly, savoring every last bit of the cheese, even though there wasn’t all too much on there (of course I’d asked for light on the cheese). I also used to freak out if I ate nut butter more than two days in a row, and even then only one serving was okay, measured out and all. Now I love cheese so much, more than I ever did even before my ED began. I adore trying new nut butters and think a banana almost tastes sad without one (unless Chobani is involved).

Yes it was MY idea to order this Cask Republic cheese plate a couple of weeks ago.

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Let’s See How Far We’ve Come

Happy Friday readers! I came into work late today due to a family obligation so I’m all confused about what time and day it is. Thankfully the time is afternoon and the day is Friday, so I’d say I’m in business. I wasn’t sure what to blog about today or even if I was going to blog, but I can’t stay away for long so here I am. I noticed a few things last night during the plans I had mentioned in yesterday’s post, so I’d like to share them with you all.

I first headed to J’s Crab Shack in Hartford after the bartender Kim invited me to come have a Manhattan in their new lounge (formerly was a banquet room). While there I found out that not only was Kat running late to the event, but the food there would be “snacks” from Pond House Cafe (who by the way is offering some fun reasonably priced cooking classes this year). I love Pond House food but snacks seemed ominous to me. I knew I needed to eat dinner but making a dinner out of event snacks often means making dinner out of dips, cheeses, and other not-so-light food. Instead of planning to restrict at the event (AKA drinking on an empty stomach), I made the decision to go next door to O’Porto and grab dinner – a healthy dinner I was comfortable with – at the bar.

Greens, shrimp, smoked-salmon-wrapped asparagus, and balsamic vinaigrette.

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