Usually reflecting on how you and your life have changed is something that’s reserved for special occasions, like a birthday or the start of a new year. But I’ve been feeling pretty reflective lately. I’ve spent the last few weekend mornings waking up and laying in bed for awhile, thinking (often OVER thinking). I’ve been noticing how different my life is now than it was a year ago, and am having a hard time digesting, accepting, and being OK with it. I can’t even figure out if I SHOULD be accepting or OK with it. Maybe these changes need to be changed. Maybe not. My mind certainly spends enough time telling me they need to be.
For example…going out. I love going out. Since moving to Boston there has barely been a Friday or Saturday that I stayed in. I did start going out more back when I was still living in CT, but now I stay out later and have more beverages because I don’t have to drive, and the city is just so alive. I attribute much of the weight I’ve gained since moving here to my love for going out. Alcohol has calories – a fact I know all too well. I go out more now, I weigh more now. So naturally my mind constantly berates me for how I spend my Fridays and Saturdays. I wake up most Saturday and Sunday mornings with anxiety and terrible body image. I’ve had a few really rough ones lately. I’ve woken up and wanted to do nothing but curl into a ball and lay in bed hating myself all day. Thankfully texts to friends and family have motivated me to get out of bed and go on with my life. The “easy” solution is to just, well, not go out. But…that’s not fun. That’s not what I WANT to do. This whole recovery thing has been about letting myself do what I want to do. But when does that stop being OK?