Tag Archives: anxiety

Just Say No

I’m coming off another weekend on the road, this one spent in Knoxville, Tennessee to watch my little sister Hannah graduate from the University of Tennessee! I am exhausted, and bummed that my work day doesn’t end until 9PM tonight, but am so also glad that I made the trip south to celebrate with my sister and see my family and our friends as well.

Despite the fact that I handled this Tennessee trip better than either of the last two I have taken, I still dealt with the usual anxiety over drinking more than usual, out-of-routine food, and working out less. However I also realized that I didn’t drink or eat a huge amount more than I would lately on a weekend, and the rest day I took was the one per week that I’ve gotten used to taking (and sometimes it’s two).

Manhattans and fried pickles aren’t unordinary weekend occurrences nowadays.

That in itself is perhaps a sign of progress in my journey to stop punishing myself via restriction and overexercising, but more so comes back to my concern that I’ve really been overdoing it lately and need to reel it back in.

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Weekend Trades

I haven’t been up for doing much writing lately, so I’ve been fairly absent recently – my bad. But if I’ve learned anything, it’s that forcing myself to write is a whole lot more frustrating than letting this blog go post-less for a week or so. Good has been happening lately, but a whole lot of bad on the emotional front as well. Sounds like a prime time for Trade Em Up Tuesday.

Seems I'm not alone!

Seems I’m not alone!

I would not trade…trying out a tasty new-to-me restaurant. Friday night I selected Marliave for a girls night with Jeannie and Allie. The menu looked super promising and I’m always down for starting my weekend with a good meal out. Despite some iffy service, we all really enjoyed our food and drinks! French restaurants do damn good French fries.

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Very Thoughtful Thursday

I’m coming off of a rough few weeks as some of you may know, and also a very productive therapy session, so I have some reflections that I want to share on this Thinking Out Loud Thursday.

Link up with Amanda today no matter how deep your thoughts!

I seem to re-learn this lesson time and time again, but I think having strict rules has been backfiring on me. I decided after I got back from Florida that I was going to cut down on drinking by not having any wine on nights I stayed in – even on nights I wanted to. I also decided to really focus on keeping my eats at home “cleaner”. Well, this has not worked very well, because now on nights I am out I have found myself really overdoing it. And that’s been resulting in mental consequences far greater than any I’d be having if I was enjoying a glass of wine or two at home when I wanted to. Perfect example – Monday night I was snowed in and really wanted a glass of red. I couldn’t stop thinking about it! But I texted some friends, made plans to go out to eat the next night, and told myself THEN I could have a drink.

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Thinking Out Loud: Blizzard of 2015

Thanks everyone for your encouraging comments on Monday’s post! It was really something I had to get out of my mind and onto virtual “paper”. I’m still struggling with those voices today, and that will be part of this post. But I’m also mixing it up, so it calls for my first Thinking Out Loud Thursday in awhile. Always a great excuse to ramble.

Link up with Amanda if you too are rambling, I mean thinking out loud, today!

1. After last week’s satisfying post-sickness gym trips, I am disappointed to say this week has not been as great. First I woke up Saturday extremely unmotivated, so I just did some yoga. The big old blizzard cancelled my favorite Monday 6pm spin class, which I was REALLY looking forward to. I did go to the gym to do the stairs and some legs/abs, but it just didn’t feel as satisfying. Then the blizzard kept the gym closed altogether on Tuesday…and there’s something about a snow day that makes working out at home seem particularly unappealing. So, I just did this She Rocks Fitness workout to tell myself I did something.

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The Kind Voice

I’m coming off of a mentally tough weekend and felt compelled to write about and reflect on something that often comes up during my therapy sessions. Each therapist I’ve ever had asks me if I picture the voice in my head, the eating disorder voice, in any certain way. Is it a male, or female voice? Do I even picture a person attached to the voice? Does it have a name? I don’t picture a person attached to the voice, nor do I know if it’s male or female. And I’ve never been able to get behind the whole “Call it ED!” thing. Giving the voice the name of a human is helpful for some when talking back, but not to me.

I would honestly just describe the voice as mean, harsh, and strict. It’s controlling and a perfectionist. I find that when I talk back to it, I try to employ another voice that is just the opposite – the kind voice. Lately I’ve realized it’s helpful for me to re-frame shoulds and can’ts as suggestions or ponderings, in that nicer voice. See, I have feared in the past fighting the eating disorder’s voice, because my all-or-nothing mindset told me that would be mean giving up caring about what I put into my body, if I work out, whether or not I gain a bunch of weight. My therapist has been trying to get me to practice encouraging myself to keep caring about myself and treating myself well, but in a nicer way. Some examples…

Eating Disorder Voice: You absolutely should not have another drink. You keep complaining about your body, well this is why you don’t like it. Alcohol just piles on the fat. You’re just going to keep gaining weight if you keep on this way.

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Rest Up, Party Up

I’ve spoken previously about experiencing guilt over not putting the gym first when my schedule gets packed. This past weekend was yet another example of how much I have changed in terms of my priorities. Except this time my schedule was not packed – it was my nose. OK wait, that’s gross, but let me explain.

Firstly, a spontaneous Thursday night dinner at a spot I really enjoy, The Merchant, turned into a Thursday night out at Highball Lounge. Not a huge deal – I took the T home (I only took one Uber this entire weekend and it was just $8 – hooray!) and did not overdo it on food or drink.

Highball is a super cool spot. I would go back in a second, and once again order sparkling rose with a garnish of RUBBER DUCKY.

However I woke up on Friday morning with a stuffy nose and by the time noon hit, it was a full-on cold. I had already decided it was a rest day, since I hadn’t taken a 100% rest day since Christmas (oops…). So missing the gym on Friday wasn’t such a big deal to me. I still went out for a low key dinner and then had a couple of glasses of wine after at one of my favorite bars, Oak Long Bar + Kitchen in the Fairmont Copley Plaza hotel. Jen was kind enough to join me and it was a great quiet Friday. And also involved lots of bread, which I crave when I have a cold. And in the moment, quenching my craving to make myself feel better was more important to me than counting carbs.

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A Marvelous Take On Tradition

I went home to Connecticut this weekend so that I could my dad, sister, and I could head to New York City for our annual holiday trip! But due to some unforeseen circumstances, we never made it there. I’ll explain in a sec but will also share up front that everything ended up turning out marvelous!

Link up with Katie if you’re sharing marvelous today!

I started my weekend with Friday night out in Hartford, because I drove home late that afternoon. Kat and I went to dinner at Front Street’s location of The Capital Grille (more on that in another post next week) followed by the Nutcracker Suite & Spicy after-party at NIXS. As usual I ran into a ton of CT event circuit friends and it was so great to see them all.

Me and the newly-blonde Jonathan!

Me and the newly-blonde Jonathan!

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More Work, Less…What?

It feels good to be back with a “real” post! Since this past Monday evening when I had a mini-breakdown while on the phone with my mom, I have been wanting to address a topic that has been weighing on my mind since the start of November. For those who do not know, I work in the wine industry, for a Boston-based wine negociant called 90+ Cellars. Starting 11/1 (and even before that), the holiday season is really in full swing. I have been planning for Thanksgiving since September but now it’s REALLY here and things at work have been really busy. Still loving the job, no worries, but I’m working more than full-time in the office (plus events in the evenings and weekends). I also have been finding myself staying late and doing work-related tasks over the weekends. This results in spending more time at work.

Weekend work-life.

Time is a finite resource. More time at work means less time spent on other stuff. Like what? Well, I like to go out with my friends some weeknights and on weekends. There are some non-work-related events that still peak my interest. I run errands, I do chores. I’m (trying) to keep up with pleasure reading. And oh yeah, that other little thing that I certainly spend much of my finite time thinking about…the gym.

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Trade Em Up Tuesday: Halloween Weekend

I look at Marvelous In My Monday as super positive and Trade Em Up Tuesday as more honest about the good and bad. I certainly did not feel super positive about my Halloween weekend (not due to lack of fun though, that’s for sure) so I decided to wait and participate in Trade Em Up instead. I’m just still really struggling with being okay with the changes in my lifestyle that have happened since I moved to Boston. This was a big weekend for me and I’ve been feeling pretty crappy about it, but also thankful for the fun I had with family and friends.

I would not trade…starting Halloween weekend early with the WeWork Boston Halloween party. OK, so this (free!) event was really awesome. Jeannie has a WeWork office space so she brought me has her guest, and then I found out Emily was going to attend too, so I was looking forward to this party allllll week. I found out last minute it was space-themed so I turned my pre-planned cat costume into a last-minute laser cat costume. (Has anyone seen that SNL skit?!)

Such a last minute costume that I was building my laser cat glasses on the way to the party. Note: crafting on the T makes you look like a crazy person.

Such a last minute costume that I was building my laser cat glasses on the way to the party. Note: crafting on the T makes you look like a crazy person.

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Usually reflecting on how you and your life have changed is something that’s reserved for special occasions, like a birthday or the start of a new year. But I’ve been feeling pretty reflective lately. I’ve spent the last few weekend mornings waking up and laying in bed for awhile, thinking (often OVER thinking). I’ve been noticing how different my life is now than it was a year ago, and am having a hard time digesting, accepting, and being OK with it. I can’t even figure out if I SHOULD be accepting or OK with it. Maybe these changes need to be changed. Maybe not. My mind certainly spends enough time telling me they need to be.

For example…going out. I love going out. Since moving to Boston there has barely been a Friday or Saturday that I stayed in. I did start going out more back when I was still living in CT, but now I stay out later and have more beverages because I don’t have to drive, and the city is just so alive. I attribute much of the weight I’ve gained since moving here to my love for going out. Alcohol has calories – a fact I know all too well. I go out more now, I weigh more now. So naturally my mind constantly berates me for how I spend my Fridays and Saturdays. I wake up most Saturday and Sunday mornings with anxiety and terrible body image. I’ve had a few really rough ones lately. I’ve woken up and wanted to do nothing but curl into a ball and lay in bed hating myself all day. Thankfully texts to friends and family have motivated me to get out of bed and go on with my life. The “easy” solution is to just, well, not go out. But…that’s not fun. That’s not what I WANT to do. This whole recovery thing has been about letting myself do what I want to do. But when does that stop being OK?

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