Tag Archives: guilt

More Work, Less…What?

It feels good to be back with a “real” post! Since this past Monday evening when I had a mini-breakdown while on the phone with my mom, I have been wanting to address a topic that has been weighing on my mind since the start of November. For those who do not know, I work in the wine industry, for a Boston-based wine negociant called 90+ Cellars. Starting 11/1 (and even before that), the holiday season is really in full swing. I have been planning for Thanksgiving since September but now it’s REALLY here and things at work have been really busy. Still loving the job, no worries, but I’m working more than full-time in the office (plus events in the evenings and weekends). I also have been finding myself staying late and doing work-related tasks over the weekends. This results in spending more time at work.

Weekend work-life.

Time is a finite resource. More time at work means less time spent on other stuff. Like what? Well, I like to go out with my friends some weeknights and on weekends. There are some non-work-related events that still peak my interest. I run errands, I do chores. I’m (trying) to keep up with pleasure reading. And oh yeah, that other little thing that I certainly spend much of my finite time thinking about…the gym.

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Trade Em Up Tuesday: Halloween Weekend

I look at Marvelous In My Monday as super positive and Trade Em Up Tuesday as more honest about the good and bad. I certainly did not feel super positive about my Halloween weekend (not due to lack of fun though, that’s for sure) so I decided to wait and participate in Trade Em Up instead. I’m just still really struggling with being okay with the changes in my lifestyle that have happened since I moved to Boston. This was a big weekend for me and I’ve been feeling pretty crappy about it, but also thankful for the fun I had with family and friends.

I would not trade…starting Halloween weekend early with the WeWork Boston Halloween party. OK, so this (free!) event was really awesome. Jeannie has a WeWork office space so she brought me has her guest, and then I found out Emily was going to attend too, so I was looking forward to this party allllll week. I found out last minute it was space-themed so I turned my pre-planned cat costume into a last-minute laser cat costume. (Has anyone seen that SNL skit?!)

Such a last minute costume that I was building my laser cat glasses on the way to the party. Note: crafting on the T makes you look like a crazy person.

Such a last minute costume that I was building my laser cat glasses on the way to the party. Note: crafting on the T makes you look like a crazy person.

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Trade Em Up Tuesday: Where Is Summer?

I would trade…how fast summer has gone by.  Is it really already past mid-August? The air is already starting to get crisp and on Friday night when I went out after work, I felt absolutely frigid. Noooo New England, I’m not ready for my summer to leave yet!

I would not trade…finally finding a dress for Kaitlin‘s wedding! That wasn’t close or anything. I am so so so pumped for the Labor Day weekend rehearsal/wedding festivities, and getting to bring Maria as my plus-one so that she, Kaitlin, and I can FINALLY hang out together (all three of us) in person. Kinda nuts that that hasn’t happened yet. And I have to give a big thank you to Tobi for having a 50% off sitewide sale! I’m not going to post a photo of the dress for the wedding but I will share a photo of another dress I couldn’t help but buy because I know it’ll come in handy come fall…

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Wouldn’t It Be Nice…

I made marvelous memories this past weekend but I also spent much of it in a negative funk with too much focus on body image, guilt, fear, comparison traps, and myself in general. The idea for this post popped up in my head yesterday I was taking a walk after the gym and feeling bad for leaving Zumba class halfway through because it was causing lots of pain in my shin.

Because, wouldn’t it be nice…

…if rest could be viewed as a component of a workout/training plan, and not a break from it?

…if putting on pants wasn’t something that needed to be preceded by a pep talk?



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Trade Em Up Tuesday: Because It’s Not Monday

I tend to recap my weekends in the form of Marvelous In My Monday, but I didn’t feel like blogging Sunday night and yesterday was too busy. So since it’s Tuesday, this weekend recap is coming to you in the form of Trade ‘Em Up Tuesday, which I haven’t done in awhile (holy – since before I had my new job!) anyway.

I would not trade…the Friday night that I really needed. As I mentioned in Friday’s post, I felt like a big whale all day thanks to a looooong wine tasting and dinner for work the previous night. What kept me going all day was the knowledge that I’d be able to spend my evening with great people! First I met Jen at Eastern Standard for her first visit there (!!!) and we enjoyed some relaxing girl time over drinks and yummy food. Thankfully Jen agreed that the restaurant lived up to my hype and it was another nice visit of great service and spot-on cocktail recs!

My first drink – the Red Hook – a Manhattan-like cocktail. I took a sip and said “ahhh”.

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If I’m Being Honest…

If I’m being honest…I have not been in a good mental place the last few days and need to vent. I feel as if I need to write out the thoughts berating me so that I can make sense of them, figure out what to do in response to them, and/or try to quiet them.

If I’m being honest…I don’t remember the last time (since starting recovery) that I felt so dissatisfied with my body. I hate every photo I see and every angle looks bad in the mirror. I’m at this point where I really feel this want to “clean up” my diet. I want to “tone up”. I want to change the way my body looks. And what’s really annoying is I don’t know how to do that and not have an eating disorder. I don’t know if it’s “okay” to want to do that. When does that stop being called restriction? When does it stop being considered disordered behavior? Clare wrote a good post about this…can I be healthy in recovery? Can I make an effort to “clean up” my eats without falling prey to ED?

If I’m being honest…I am not in a place where I can try to “eat cleaner” without it being about my ED. Because the urge to restrict and deprive myself is seriously stronger right now than it has been in awhile. I’m still trying to learn to be okay with enjoying the food and drinks I love, so cutting back on some of them is going to hinder that journey. I keep seeing people Instagram their #eatclean-worthy meals and their heart rate monitors and their mile upon mile long runs and their brags about ordering water instead of a drink – and I want to do that. I want to get lost in that “look at me I’m so healthy” mindset so I can feel good about myself again. Now I’m not saying that I plan to do this. I’m not saying it is the answer…but I miss that high from looking back on my day and knowing I only ate X and didn’t eat Y.

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Thanksgiving 2013: Dining Out

In recent years my family has spent Thanksgiving at the home of our friends, the Gerbers. Unfortunately this year they moved to Texas and we decided instead of finding another group to join or having Thanksgiving at home, we would go out! Obviously this was my idea and of course we selected J. Gilbert’s, my favorite restaurant, as the spot. Thankfully (ha get it?!) we were smart enough to call a couple of months in advance and lock down a 6:30PM reservation for our party of six. We received a call the day before Thanksgiving letting us know that a 4PM slot had become available, and my parents jumped on it. This was not fun for me because the earlier the reservation the more time I was going to have between finishing dinner and going to bed to think about what I’d ate. But I was the only one in that camp, so I had to deal!

The Croswell Fam!

The Croswell Fam!

I felt ridiculously hungover on Thanksgiving morning thanks to the previous evening’s festivities (Jager, never again) but made it to the gym for 30 minutes of StepMill intervals and an upper body workout. I sure am glad I went because I felt a lot better afterward, but man it was torturous during! I rushed home to shower and get cozy with coffee and the Black Friday circulars…a tradition! I felt very tempted to restrict after the gym and just not eat until dinner so that I would ensure I’d have plenty of room for the amount of food I was “bound to consume”. I texted my girl Brittany for support and she gave me the reality check I needed to push forward and fuel my body post-workout.

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MIMM: Home and Away

The winner of the Ellovi Body Butter giveaway is Mahdi! Congratulations and look for an email from me about getting you your free jar of raw six-ingredient body butter. Remember if you didn’t win you can get 15% off (click here to purchase a jar) by entering offer code “caitplusate”.

I went into the weekend wary of how I would handle my plans to visit my good friend/former neighbor Molly in Boston on Saturday night. I still wasn’t feeling good about myself after Wednesday night’s dinner out and was doing a lot of future-tripping over the guilt I would surely feel after a day and night of restaurant hopping in Beantown. For that reason I made sure to keep Friday night low-key and stayed in my hometown. Of course everything turned out marvelous in the end, as it often does. I’ve got another weekend of excellent memories and moments I’d re-live again in an instant, even if they also came with some not-so-kind thoughts toward myself.

Share your marvelous via Katie’s link-up!

Marvelous are…my tolerant, flexible parents. I was a bit of a mess when I got home Friday night. I’d been sitting in traffic, stewing with too much time to think about our evening dinner plans. We would have to fight that same traffic again to get over to our planned destination (Rizzuto’s in West Hartford) and it didn’t seem worth it. But if we didn’t go there, where would we go? I’d already mentally prepared myself for one restaurant and I know it sounds silly, but I do not handle plan changes well when it comes to food. Hello, control freak. My parents calmed me down when I got home and let me choose a new restaurant destination that I was comfortable with and that also wouldn’t take us on a highway. Speaking of which…

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Accepting My New Normal

Thank you guys so much for your comments on yesterday’s post. It’s always a comfort to know I’m not alone in my seat on the crazy train. Writing is therapeutic for me and that’s why I’m back again today; I’ve needed to give myself a lot of self-therapy over the last 48 hours. Mondays are always the hardest for me mentally because I tend to do more “indulging” on the weekends. (Huge Sidebar: I’m putting indulging in quotes because I really can’t stand the word. If I “indulge” in something, but I do so every weekend, does that mean I’m indulging too much? Does that mean I’m doing something unhealthy on a weekly basis? Labeling X as an indulgence and Y as healthy really messes with my head, and that’s why I recently deleted my Indulgences board on Pinterest. I don’t need anything else around tempting me to categorize my food.)

OK, back to your regular programming. Yesterday was a particularly sucky-mindset Monday for me, despite your awesome support and reassurance. I’ve reached a point in my recovery where I do not give in as easily to ED’s temptations to restrict and over-exercise and hide from a life worth living. In terms of the way I actually live out that life, I am for sure in a better place than I was a year ago. But that does not mean the mind fuck of an eating disorder goes away. In fact, it means I’m dealing with a more self-degradation than ever before. Gone is that comforting feeling of constant hunger. Gone is the minimum of 200 minutes of cardio per week that I always HAD to do. And most scary at all, gone is the belt that I used to have to wear with all of my jeans.

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Cait Plus Rach in Newport – Part 2

Before reading this final post about my first two posts on my long weekend in Rhode Island, you can read the first two posts – about an afternoon in Providence and our first few restaurant stops in Newport – if you missed them!

Saturday Afternoon

After being sufficiently wined at Newport Vineyards, Rachel and I made our way back to Downtown Newport to try a new (only a few months old) spot we’d both eyed the night before – Midtown Oyster BarThe main allure came from the rooftop dining options, but the inside of the restaurant, with its multiple levels and huge open spaces, was gorgeous as well.

View from our seat!

View from our table!

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