Tag Archives: ed

Trusting Myself

Thursday, Friday, and Saturday were hard for me. Thursday I ate an un-planned carby dinner. Friday I was out with friends who didn’t finish their grilled cheese or their fries, so I ate them. Saturday I had a delicious meal with friends at a new-to-me hole-in-the-wall gem of a restaurant, Suso. The food was incredible but the table ordered so much of it and I ended up really full. Three nights in a row that my plan of what I ate for dinner and how much I ate did NOT happen. I ended up eating different food and/or too much food. It was enough to leave me in a really bad place Saturday night when I came home from dinner. It’s been a long time since my mom had to stroke my hair and offer me comfort as I cried it out, but it happened.

I felt and feel so very frustrated with myself. My all-or-nothing thinking is taking hold and I’m experiencing this petrifying feeling, a fear that three nights in a row means a new habit, that this will keep happening. I don’t want to let food rule my life and alter my experiences and dominate my thoughts. I want to be a normal person who can eat, enjoy, savor, and move on. I feel so ashamed of myself and a freak for not being able to say, “Okay I’m full, let’s stop eating now.” Saturday night I recall sitting at the table, staring at the food even though I was full. I couldn’t stop thinking about it til I tried a bit more here, a bit more there. I have this assumption now that I can’t trust myself, that I can’t be around food or I will go overboard. So black and white…as if the only way I can trust myself to not eat too much is to not eat at all, and to restrict.

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Trade ‘Em Up Tuesday: Recovery

I really enjoyed the last Trade ‘Em Up Tuesday I participated in (thanks as always Alex for the idea!) and Carly’s amazing and honest post yesterday inspired me to take a similar topic and combine it with Trade ‘Em Up. There are plenty of moments when I still find myself missing the days of my eating disorder and the various sources of the “high” it gave me. But there are also plenty of sacrifices I made that I would not want to have to make again. So today I’m going to share what I would not trade, and what I sometimes want to trade, about recovery. Please be aware that the trades are not things I plan to do or think are a good idea to do! But it helps to take the voices in my head and put them here on this blog, so I can sort out those thoughts of temptation to slip back into old habits. I would not trade…cheese and nut butter. I remember the first sandwich I ordered with cheese on it, once I started treatment. I did it so I could tell my nutritionist I had done so, and not feel like I was lying to her (except I was already lying about a bunch of other stuff). But that first bite was…heavenly. My body seriously reacted to the fat in an almost scary way…that’s how deprived I was. I ate that sandwich SO freaking slowly, savoring every last bit of the cheese, even though there wasn’t all too much on there (of course I’d asked for light on the cheese). I also used to freak out if I ate nut butter more than two days in a row, and even then only one serving was okay, measured out and all. Now I love cheese so much, more than I ever did even before my ED began. I adore trying new nut butters and think a banana almost tastes sad without one (unless Chobani is involved).

Yes it was MY idea to order this Cask Republic cheese plate a couple of weeks ago.

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Trade Em Up Tuesday

Alex is a big fan of Trade Em Up Tuesday (her post today is living proof) and I have always wanted to participate, but the timing never worked out. Well today it has and I have plenty of little shares, so this post is perfect for just that!

I would trade…the serious Monday doldrums I was in yesterday. I know I said that I allowed myself to enjoy my weekend without too much regret and I did…until Sunday night. I went over to Kat‘s to have dinner and watch the Golden Globes with our friend Carolyn, and ended up drinking way more Cupcake Prosecco and St. Germaine than I’d originally planned. I also ate a TON of baby cabbages (roasted in olive oil and curry powder, a new-to-me roasting ingredient that I’ll surely be using again) which just made me feel so full. Even if I’m full of veggies, that full feeling is hard to deal with and messes with my head. I woke up on Monday feeling dehydrated and bloated, so my clothes felt tight on me. I checked the tag on my shirt and it read XS, so I attempted to comfort myself with the fact that such a small size purchased earlier in my recovery surely may feel smaller on me now, but then my ED started beating me up for trying to make myself feel OK with not fitting into the smallest sizes out there. AGH.

I would not trade…the excellent time I had at Kat’s! Carolyn is hilarious so having her around to watch the awards with us was great. Kat made an amazing dinner (she roasted a lemon and rosemary chicken and gave me a mini tutorial on how to do so; it turned out delicious) and damn, Prosecco and St. Germaine is fantastic. Of course I also got quality time with Kat’s daughter Penelope, and even was able to babysit her for about thirty minutes while Kat and her hubby went on an errand. It meant a lot to me that they trusted me with their little girl and I hope it was the first of many babysitting sessions to come!


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Checking Myself to Wreck Myself

Without the scale, I have latched on to a couple of bad habits to “keep track” of changes in my body. One is psycho-analyzing how my pants fit. The other is body checking.

I’ve been wanting to write a post addressing body checking ever since Sam discussed the topic (almost a year ago!) on her amazing blog (a must-read for anyone interested in eating disorders and recovery). The truth is, though I have gotten better about it, I still body check. My stomach is the area of my body I am most self conscious about, and it is hard to resist the urge to lift up my shirt and look in the mirror during the day just to see what it looks like. I often examine my body from many different angles in the morning when I am getting dressed, and/or in the evening before/after I shower. This sounds like an extremely vain practice and it’s a bit embarrassing to admit, but I do it.

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My Scale Story

I’ve been MIA because I just haven’t felt like blogging much while on vacation in Florida…but I head back to CT today. While I have some things to say/share about my trip, I’m about to head to the airport and don’t have time to write a post today. So here’s a post I wrote on the plane ride down here…

I’ve been meaning to write a post about my scale journey for awhile now, and recently Sarah did one discussing her current relationship with the scale. I wrote a novel comment in response (check out the rest of them…great discussions on this post!) That really made me realize I need to get on writing my post. So here I am, ready to share with you all my relationship with the scale from start to finish…and also what I think it would be like if the scale and I were friends (or frenemies) today.

My first scale wasn’t even mine…it was my junior year roomie’s. But that also happened to be the year I decided to change the way I ate and “tone up”, so it was convenient for me to have a roomie who was also into the same goals. I had a number in my head that I wanted to hit, and quickly it became easy for me to use the number the scale showed me to discount any hard work I’d done at the gym or any healthy meals I’d eaten that day. I could feel excellent about my healthy habits, step on the scale and see a “bad number”, and suddenly all I was thinking about was what I could have done differently to make the number go down.

Start of my junior year, ready to tone up...did I really need to?

Start of my junior year, ready to tone up…did I really need to?

Eventually I got to the point where I was stepping on the scale more than five times a day. I’d use it to purposefully feel bad about myself; stepping on the morning after a night of drinking was my way of punishing myself for the night before. Even right after I’d eaten dinner, I’d step on just because I knew the number would look higher and I’d feel shame. I wanted to associate eating with shame, so that it’d become easier to resist the urge to eat. And not just eat unhealthy food…I mean resist eating in general.

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I Hate Pants

I woke up this morning with the urge to write this post so what I had planned for today will be up tomorrow. Now “hate” is a strong word. And I know that pants, especially given the fact that it’s sleeting outside in CT right now, are necessary at times. But I have to say, pants are my least favorite article of clothing. Pants have the power (or I give them the power) to completely change my mood. Pants give me a number that my mind can grasp upon and use to beat me up. Pants are a form of measurement, and when the measuring consists of noticing that you absolutely don’t need a belt with pants you used to need one with, it’s really enough to make you want to throw the pants in a heap and live in yoga pants.

Maxis are nice too.

Bikinis get a bad rap as being the dreaded article of clothing for those with body image issues. But I beg to differ. At least when I wear a bikini, I can put something on over it to cover it up and feel fine. Bikinis have stretchy waists that are sometimes even adjustable. Though I’ve been experiencing anxiety about wearing a bathing suit in Florida at the end of this month, it isn’t comparable to the anxiety I feel each morning I wake up and have to put on a pair of jeans that have just been washed.

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Skinny Doesn’t Have To Mean Sick

I alluded to this post in this week’s Marvelous In My Monday. Now, I don’t like the word “skinny” because I think it’s too often used as a stupid label. So I hope this post’s title doesn’t turn anyone off. But it was the first one that came to mind and I couldn’t think of a better alternative. And despite my aversion for the word “skinny”, I have to be honest…it’s what I want to be. The desire to be skinny, stay skinny, get skinny, is in my head for a good chunk of each day. A much larger chunk than I’d like. But since I’m still in recovery, I guess that’s what I have to deal with. I just hope there’s an end point to that.

I had a really good conversation with my therapist on Friday, during which she brought up an excellent point. I was telling her about last Wednesday night and how I got really full at dinner and almost had to make sure that I felt guilty about it afterwards. Why? So that I wouldn’t “be bad” again. I went through the exact same thing after my trip to Boston (and the restaurant hopping it included) over the weekend. There were actually a few moments on Sunday when I felt like I could easily push the ED thoughts aside and just move on with my day, but as soon as that notion entered my mind I felt a panic. How could I allow myself to feel the self love that I’d need to feel to push the thoughts aside and recognize that I deserve to enjoy life? In my mind that would only mean one thing…weight gain.

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MIMM: Home and Away

The winner of the Ellovi Body Butter giveaway is Mahdi! Congratulations and look for an email from me about getting you your free jar of raw six-ingredient body butter. Remember if you didn’t win you can get 15% off (click here to purchase a jar) by entering offer code “caitplusate”.

I went into the weekend wary of how I would handle my plans to visit my good friend/former neighbor Molly in Boston on Saturday night. I still wasn’t feeling good about myself after Wednesday night’s dinner out and was doing a lot of future-tripping over the guilt I would surely feel after a day and night of restaurant hopping in Beantown. For that reason I made sure to keep Friday night low-key and stayed in my hometown. Of course everything turned out marvelous in the end, as it often does. I’ve got another weekend of excellent memories and moments I’d re-live again in an instant, even if they also came with some not-so-kind thoughts toward myself.

Share your marvelous via Katie’s link-up!

Marvelous are…my tolerant, flexible parents. I was a bit of a mess when I got home Friday night. I’d been sitting in traffic, stewing with too much time to think about our evening dinner plans. We would have to fight that same traffic again to get over to our planned destination (Rizzuto’s in West Hartford) and it didn’t seem worth it. But if we didn’t go there, where would we go? I’d already mentally prepared myself for one restaurant and I know it sounds silly, but I do not handle plan changes well when it comes to food. Hello, control freak. My parents calmed me down when I got home and let me choose a new restaurant destination that I was comfortable with and that also wouldn’t take us on a highway. Speaking of which…

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Five Things Friday: Linking Up!

Check out yesterday’s post to see a review, discount code, and GIVEAWAY for Ellovi Butter, a raw six-ingredient body butter created by my friend from high school!

I’ve done Five Things Friday (or some variation) posts in the past but this is the first one I’ve done since Clare started her link-up! And I have several different things to say today so it’s very appropriate timing. I love these kinds of posts because I don’t have to focus on one topic. I can just bop around and share different news/insights/etc. And what do you know…Clare featured one of my posts in her Five Things Friday today! Thank you Clare!


1. I got really full on Wednesday night. I felt anxious all day at work because not only did I do a morning (which means shorter than usual) workout, but I had dinner plans with Kat to eat in the Millwright’s Tavern. The staff at Millwright’s have a tendency to spoil me 😉 and I found myself future-tripping all day about whether or not that would happen. Well it did – Chef Tyler sent out some amazing appetizers after we’d ordered our (first) drinks and entrees.

Kale with 6-minute egg, tomatillos, blue cheese, bacon, &sweet onion vinaigrette.

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Sacrifices That Aren’t Worth It

In case you missed it, I posted a pretty fantastic giveaway yesterday, for a personal wine fridge from Staples! Check out the post and enter – you have until tomorrow night!

I’m writing this post while feeling guilty about staying out til 11PM last night to do trivia at Plan B after dinner at Rooftop 120. I had more to drink than I would have if I’d stayed home instead. I snacked when I got home (I mean it was on white bean chicken chili, but it was still nighttime snacking, therefore I feel bad). I had some fried crab cakes at Rooftop. I feel dehydrated and bloated.

I was the "scribe" for our team (just like I always was in elementary school).

I was the “scribe” for our team (just like I always was in elementary school).

But I also had a very good time with my friends. I took advantage of the fact that I am young, able to get seven hours of sleep without feeling TOO dead the next day (though I feel pretty dead I also know I’m a sleep diva), and still living at home so I have money saved to allow myself to go out and buy drinks and dinner. I even went to spin class before my plans.

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