It has been quite awhile since I wrote a post related to eating disorders and recovery. There was a time when that was almost all I wrote about here; a time when I was really struggling. Slowly after moving to Boston I began to do better and better, and the recovery related posts became less frequent. Particularly since this past summer, I have made lots of progress. I’ve taken more rest days than ever and realized that didn’t make me gain 50 pounds. I’ve been able to spend more time with friends and meet new people too, since I’ve been doing less hiding out in my apartment with my “safe foods”. I’ve even been able to let myself open up to someone and enter a serious relationship.
Jeff and I are actually moving in together over Memorial Day Weekend, and moving often presents a perfect opportunity to get rid of unwanted and unneeded possessions. Most notably, clothes. Many who have gone through recovery from an eating disorder will know that clothes are a touchy subject. They become too small, and that’s hard to deal with. Every article of clothing that will no longer fit still makes me feel like a bit of a failure, even if that feeling lasts just a few seconds. I have been holding onto these clothes, because setting them aside to donate makes me feel like I am giving up on being as small as I once was.
But moving in with Jeff and taking the next step in our relationship is a sign of how far I have come. I’m ready to leave those clothes behind. The fact that he and I are even at this point is because I was able to put myself out there and go out to eat on dates more often than I was used to. I was able to decide, screw it, I’m not going to the gym because I’m going to lay in bed all day with someone. I am going to spend time with someone instead of hiding out in my apartment – or even invite him into my apartment. I am going to let myself lose control a little bit and fall in love.
The person who fit into those clothes would never have been able to do all of that.
It felt so easy this week to put the clothes into these trash bags. I haven’t worn them in months. I don’t want to wear them again. I’m happy. I’m about to start a new chapter of my life. There is no place in that chapter for my old clothes.
Plus now, there’s space in my future-closet for new clothes! So, that’s always a good thing.
Have you ever struggled with letting go of something that was part of a previous chapter of your life?