Tag Archives: eating disorders

Letting Go of Old Clothes

It has been quite awhile since I wrote a post related to eating disorders and recovery. There was a time when that was almost all I wrote about here; a time when I was really struggling. Slowly after moving to Boston I began to do better and better, and the recovery related posts became less frequent. Particularly since this past summer, I have made lots of progress. I’ve taken more rest days than ever and realized that didn’t make me gain 50 pounds. I’ve been able to spend more time with friends and meet new people too, since I’ve been doing less hiding out in my apartment with my “safe foods”. I’ve even been able to let myself open up to someone and enter a serious relationship.

Jeff and I are actually moving in together over Memorial Day Weekend, and moving often presents a perfect opportunity to get rid of unwanted and unneeded possessions. Most notably, clothes. Many who have gone through recovery from an eating disorder will know that clothes are a touchy subject. They become too small, and that’s hard to deal with. Every article of clothing that will no longer fit still makes me feel like a bit of a failure, even if that feeling lasts just a few seconds. I have been holding onto these clothes, because setting them aside to donate makes me feel like I am giving up on being as small as I once was.

Continue reading

Last Boston Trades

OK so this is not the last “Boston-based” Trade Em Up Tuesday EVER, but these posts always end up being weekend recaps and I won’t be spending a weekend here again until mid-June. So get ready to hear a lot about Connecticut, Tennessee, Nantucket, Newport, and Mexico. Yup, I’ll be hitting up all those spots between now and mid-June. Now you can see why I’m looking at this as a last Boston-focused weekend recap.

I would not trade…a weekend of fairly solid workouts. Any morning that I can wake up and find the willpower to do 30 minutes on the Stair Master before work, especially if it’s a Friday, is a morning I feel proud of. You already know about my SoulCycle class on Saturday, and Sunday I managed to get in more stairs and weights at the gym. I didn’t feel too hot during Sunday’s gym trip (going to brunch beforehand probably had something to do with it) but I got it done, and patted myself on the back for that.

I would not trade…finally getting to Liquid Art HouseBefore Friday night’s Boston Wine Riot I met up there with my friend Jay (he was also going to be working the event) of Gerard Bertrand, for snacks and a drink somewhere near the venue. I suggested Liquid Art House because I’ve heard great things about the food, drinks, and ambiance. I selected The Ponte – rye cognac, vermouth, benedictine, and bitters. It was fantastic and just what I was craving before having to go into that crazy event.

Continue reading

Checking Myself to Wreck Myself

Without the scale, I have latched on to a couple of bad habits to “keep track” of changes in my body. One is psycho-analyzing how my pants fit. The other is body checking.

I’ve been wanting to write a post addressing body checking ever since Sam discussed the topic (almost a year ago!) on her amazing blog (a must-read for anyone interested in eating disorders and recovery). The truth is, though I have gotten better about it, I still body check. My stomach is the area of my body I am most self conscious about, and it is hard to resist the urge to lift up my shirt and look in the mirror during the day just to see what it looks like. I often examine my body from many different angles in the morning when I am getting dressed, and/or in the evening before/after I shower. This sounds like an extremely vain practice and it’s a bit embarrassing to admit, but I do it.

Continue reading

My Scale Story

I’ve been MIA because I just haven’t felt like blogging much while on vacation in Florida…but I head back to CT today. While I have some things to say/share about my trip, I’m about to head to the airport and don’t have time to write a post today. So here’s a post I wrote on the plane ride down here…

I’ve been meaning to write a post about my scale journey for awhile now, and recently Sarah did one discussing her current relationship with the scale. I wrote a novel comment in response (check out the rest of them…great discussions on this post!) That really made me realize I need to get on writing my post. So here I am, ready to share with you all my relationship with the scale from start to finish…and also what I think it would be like if the scale and I were friends (or frenemies) today.

My first scale wasn’t even mine…it was my junior year roomie’s. But that also happened to be the year I decided to change the way I ate and “tone up”, so it was convenient for me to have a roomie who was also into the same goals. I had a number in my head that I wanted to hit, and quickly it became easy for me to use the number the scale showed me to discount any hard work I’d done at the gym or any healthy meals I’d eaten that day. I could feel excellent about my healthy habits, step on the scale and see a “bad number”, and suddenly all I was thinking about was what I could have done differently to make the number go down.

Start of my junior year, ready to tone up...did I really need to?

Start of my junior year, ready to tone up…did I really need to?

Eventually I got to the point where I was stepping on the scale more than five times a day. I’d use it to purposefully feel bad about myself; stepping on the morning after a night of drinking was my way of punishing myself for the night before. Even right after I’d eaten dinner, I’d step on just because I knew the number would look higher and I’d feel shame. I wanted to associate eating with shame, so that it’d become easier to resist the urge to eat. And not just eat unhealthy food…I mean resist eating in general.

Continue reading

Hartford NEDA Walk 2013

I was debating on what to blog about today because I have another post going, but then I realized I hadn’t yet shared my participation in tomorrow’s annual Hartford, CT NEDA Walk! NEDA (National Eating Disorders Association) is an organization I am passionate about. The funds they raise support easier treatment access, prevention, early intervention, and increased awareness. NEDA’s goal is to provide support not just for the women and men suffering from eating disorders, but also for the family and friends of those suffering.

Walk_Pic_Cropped_Banner

Clearly this is not a photo from the Hartford walk (see palm trees). Source

The Hartford, CT NEDA Walk takes place tomorrow (Saturday 9/21) from 12-2PM at UConn’s Greater Hartford campus (85 Lawler Street, West Hartford, CT 06117). You can still register online, and day-of registration is accepted and costs $10 for children, $15 for students, and $25 for adults. Registration includes a t-shirt to wear during the walk (I’m super excited to rock mine at work next week).

Continue reading

The New Path to Safety

Today’s post is something I’ve been meaning to write for awhile and I get more and more ideas for it the more I read awesome posts like this one, published this week by Alex. I’m at a point at which I’ve been able to do more than I have ever been able to do before in terms of food, and NOT do more than I have ever been able to do in terms of fitness. And as I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been happy about it, and that scares me. It’s almost like my eating disorder has gotten me used to unhappiness and hatred of myself as signs of safety. When I don’t wake up the morning after a restaurant event feeling the urge to skip breakfast, or when I don’t skip wine with dinner the night after an evening out enjoying several cocktails with friends, I get freaked out.

ALL the cheese.

Continue reading

Thankful Thursday: NEDAwareness Week

It may seem odd to see the concepts of being thankful and eating disorders in the same post title, but let me explain.

Thanks Jessie for starting this movement!

February 24-March 2 is NEDAwareness Week, started by the National Eating Disorders Association. The goal of this week, and every week in NEDA’s world, is to raise awareness of the fact that in the US alone, 20 million women and 10 million men suffer from a clinically significant ED at some point in their lives. I’ve touched on my own personal ED struggle on this blog, and wanted to address this important week because I am one of those 20 million women.

Continue reading

Fashion Friday Gets Pensive

Don’t forget to enter my giveaway for the two newest Element fitness DVDs from Anchor Bay Entertainment! Entries close this Saturday 9/8 at 11:59PM EST. And did you catch yesterday’s recipe for easy Gorton’s Seafood Grilled Fish Tacos?!

Happy Fashion Friday Friday guys! And it’s a happy Friday INDEED because Heather is coming to stay for the weekend! We have so much fun planned – Pinot Grigio + Whole Foods salads + The Hills re-runs tonight, Daybreak Coffee and other Glastonbury activities tomorrow during the day, dinner at Fire & Spice with our dear friend Jenny, and my Farm to Shaker Cocktail Competition judging on Sunday at the Coventry Farmers’ Market! TOO BLESSED TO BE STRESSED!

I am so enjoying doing these Fashion Friday posts most weeks, and I hope you’re still enjoying seeing them! I feel like I’ve been shopping a TON lately…but I continue to be a cheapo and refuse to buy the majority of what I like because it’s “too expensive” or “not worth it”. So you can imagine, with the new things I’ve been buying, how many things in stores I like but say no to! I love clothes, but I love saving a fair amount of each paycheck more!

Tee: PacSun

Skirt: H&M (Lauren has the dress with this print!)

Watch: Michael Kors

Shoes: Steve Madden

Top: LOFT

Pants, Shoes: Urban Outfitters

Ring, Bracelet: Forever 21

Watch: gift from grandpa

A better look at the shoes!

Necklace: Forever 21

Top: VS Pink

Skirt: Old Navy (had it since 7th grade!)

Sorry for blur!

Top: H&M

Pants: Urban Outfitters

Shoes: PacSun Outlet

A fun one – wore to work after completing Color Me Rad!

Headband: Sweaty Bands

Top: Color Me Rad 5K

Jeans: American Eagle

Sneakers: Converse (purchased at Delia’s)

It’s interesting that I can cut myself so much slack when it comes to shopping. I buy lots of things I don’t need, but tell myself it’s OK because I enjoy wearing new clothes and putting together new outfits, and I never spend much money at all on one piece.

However if I try to cut myself slack on things I enjoy just as much as fashion, like food and exercise, there seems to always be a reason in my head that I “shouldn’t” be cutting myself slack! I’m working on figuring out why this is. Perhaps it’s because there has never been a time in my life in which I never shopped, never purchased clothes/shoes I didn’t need, whereas there WAS a time in my life when I was overexercising and restricting my food intake at dangerous levels. So sometimes, since I know I am capable of taking it to food/exercise “extremes” (due to the fact that I’ve “been there”), a voice in my mind tells me I “should” be doing what I’m capable of.

But I know in fact that I am CAPABLE of living a happy, healthy life that consists of a balance of food and exercise, just like I balance my shopping out by buying cheaper things!

Do you ever find yourself being more hard on yourself in some areas of life than others? Why do you think people experience this?

Which outfit is your favorite? All except the last are pretty dressy, so I won’t be surprised if it’s not the last one!

Tell me something you’re doing this weekend that makes you too blessed to be stressed!

Healthy Living Summit 2012 – Part One

I suppose I could have come up with a more creative title than that. I’m pretty sure a zillion other bloggers have been publishing posts this week that say the exact same thing. But #sorrynotsorry, I hope (I KNOW) the content of my posts make up for any lame titles I throw your way 🙂 and remember if you missed my recap of the Chobani dinner I attended while in Boston for the 2012 Healthy Living Summit, you can check it out here!

Thursday:

Please keep reading. Don’t be afraid!

My HLS ’12 weekend actually started in a different MA town, home of my BB (best blend) Heather. Since her house is on my way to Boston, I decided to stay over with her Thursday night to make the drive in on Friday shorter. AND oh yeah, because I love hanging out with her. I took a half day at work on Thursday and got to her house before rush hour traffic hit (win) and we immediately hit the road for one of my favorite restaurants ever, Garden Grille…after we took some pics, of course.

We chatted away during that rush hour/accident-caused traffic I’d missed before, and arrived at Garden Grille about to eat each others’ arms off. Appetizers were necessary.

Instagram them apps.

I finally got to try the famous Garden Grille sweet potato fries, and was so impressed. I have to admit I prefer ION’s because those are crispier (more fried 😉 hehe) but these were still amazing, especially paired with that housemade BBQ sauce. We also went with the special side, garlicky sauteed greens. My Garden Party beverage (vodka, basil, mint, lime) matched perfectly!

I was so happy that we got to sit outside and savored my refreshing cocktail throughout the meal, which blew my MIND: blackened Cajun-spiced tofu with pepper jam, charred corn & black beans, squashes, and smoked paprika aioli. HEAVEN. I’m so glad I’ve gotten over my tofu-texture aversion.

I never wanted this to end! Unfortunately it did. I was tres sad.

A walk down Thayer Street and shopping trip in its Urban Outfitters location cheered me right up! I adore the artsy vibe from this college town. Every person and business I pass seems so open to new ideas and ready to learn. I could probably sit outside with a cup of coffee and people watch for a good while. Or maybe with a cup of fro-yo?

I knew the second I finished dinner that I was going to want a dessert. Do you ever have those evenings? I honored my craving (and am proud to say I did so) at a self-serve frozen yogurt shop whose name now escapes me. As usual I did mostly toppings. After I finished, we did a bit more walking and called it a night.

Friday:

I woke up at 8AM the next morning (I was shocked – that’s late for me!) and did two Tone It Up Beach Babe DVD workouts recommended to me by Heather, who happens to be a TIU enthusiast. The Surfer Girl and Summer Arms segments combined to give me a pretty good 45-minute workout, which felt pretty GREAT since I’d had two lackluster gym days previously. I only have one more segment to try out and then I will finally be able to review the DVD – and give you guys a GIVEAWAY! Oh I’m a tease.

I LOVE YOU.

After the workout I had one thing on my mind – my beloved vegan spinach and mushroom Wildflour scone. I don’t normally eat baked goods for breakfast. They don’t give me that energy I need to power through my morning. However, this savory scone does not have the same “crash” effects as most cafe offerings. I treat myself to one of these bad boys each time I visit Heather. Last time I went I went through a guilt-ridden debate over whether or not I should get it, but this time I just WENT for it without questioning whether or not I “should” get the scone – something I noticed and took pride in!

About to head to Boston with my Dino.

We blogged and I did encounter a challenge of “shoulds” and “should-nots” before we departed for HLS. I wanted a Wildflour green smoothie that Jenny had let me try last time the three of us went there and she ordered one. The Dino is made with good-for-you ingredients – spinach, kale, blueberry, banana, almond milk, almond butter – but I have always had a stigma in my brain about smoothies that says they don’t fill me up yet are still many calories, which can then result in me intaking too many calories. Heather was there for me as usual and offered to share the Dino with me on the ride to Boston. Deal! I was in heaven with each sip and am so glad that I fought the guilt and ordered it. And thankful too, because we got stuck in traffic and didn’t make it to our originally planned lunch at Flour Bakery & Cafe until an hour past schedule!

Salad as big as my head? Yes please!

I again went through a bit of an embarrassing debate in my mind – and at the counter – over what to order. The poor Flour employee had to deal with my questions about how much mayo was in the curried tuna salad I had my eye on. Even after trying a sample and LOVING it, it was hard to let myself choose that as my salad’s protein. Another stigma I have stored away…tuna/chicken/seafood salads are full of hidden calories from too much mayo. Finally I mentally said “fuck it” to the guilt and ordered the curried tuna salad on my greens. And then I threw in a side of homemade hummus for good measure, and ate every last bite. WHAT WHAT.

Lindsay, Chelsea, Meg, Heather, me, Lisa

Once Heather and I checked in at our hotel, the Hyatt Regency Cambridge, we grabbed our HLS swag and lugged it up to our room so we could get settled and ready for dinner. It was around this time that the weekend became all about connecting with so many of the bloggers I’d been following, chatting with, and relating to for as long as years in some cases. At BlogHer I learned so much about myself and experienced NYC through food, drink, and workouts. At HLS I forged bonds with girls I never truly thought I’d get the chance to meet. That was the main takeaway for me from this conference.

Meg, Lisa, and me at dinner at Figs.

Two girls I was most excited to meet were my Canadian blends Meg and Lisa. The three of us have bonded over our struggles, past for some and present for others, with our relationships with food. We support and guide each other in the journey to balance every single day. When I first saw Meg at the door of my hotel room, I hugged her so hard that I think I crushed her…and pushed her into a wall. Every single word we said to each other was just so US and we already knew that. Does that make any sense?! We just seamlessly transition from blend to friend. Of course I had to snap a picture of her with her MUSSELS and her MUSCLES, since she adores seafood and we are always sending each other photos of seafood we’re eating.

That broth was so good. I stole my fair share.

And I attacked Lisa the moment I saw her too! She is just as beautiful in person as she is on her blog – always looks SO put together and has the best wavy hair! And she was wearing a brightly colored dress, which I can always count on her for. I truly never imagined we’d meet one day, so I am just so thankful that I could hang out with the girl who encourages me anytime I open up on this blog about my guilt issues.

Our dinner group!

Oh yeah – the food at dinner! Well I had a late lunch so I just got a roasted beet salad with goat cheese. Very average, but Chelsea and Linz shared a slice of their fig and prosciutto pizza with me, and THAT was impressive.

Can I have a vanity moment here – arms?

After dinner it was time to head to the hotel for the HLS Cocktail Party. I wish the music had been louder – there was no dancing! I was too busy chatting and being a goofy ham anyway, though.

First stop: photobooth with costume props.

How funky is your chicken?

Call me DEFINITELY.

Who doesn’t love a good selfie?

There were apps and desserts there, but I skipped out on the latter. When there is cheese available, and when I am drinking wine, that is ALLLL I want.

CHEESE ME.

I’ll have some crackers with my cheese.

Kettle corn and Taza dark chocolate.

Regular, red velvet, and poppy (?!) whoopie pies.

Meghann, Julie, and the rest of those who put on HLS did a really great job. I cannot imagine undertaking such a task!

Kicking things off.

This girl does it all!

My BB has totally turned me into a Pinot Grigio fan!

I say YES to her dress.

What a fun evening of reuniting, meeting for the first time, and lots of PICS.

Meg, my love, you are so tiny!

I could squeeze her all day long.

I am forever in awe of Tina‘s amazing upper body. Hello Crossfit!

It was good to see Theodora again, in her trademark Lilly attire.

Courtney is so beautiful!

What a thrill to finally meet Sara. I could chat with her for hours!

The best moment of the evening (of HLS…of the week…the month…you get it) came courtesy of Becki. She approached me and introduced herself. I smiled and said hello back, but honestly didn’t at first make the connection that this was one of the girls who had written her own #AmazingMe post after I had written mine. However as soon as Becki said that she had to come introduce herself to “the girl who wrote #AmazingMe”, I immediately realized who she was…and felt tears come to my eyes. The comments and feedback I have gotten on that post have touched me several times over, but THIS was the culmination of it all. THIS was the chance for me to meet, in person, someone that I directly inspired and someone I made feel good about herself.

Two amazing girls.

Becki’s post about her accomplishments and why she is a wonderful human being was heartwarming to read, but to literally FEEL how genuinely thankful she was to have been inspired to write it was a feeling I really can’t even begin to describe. I am so thankful in turn to her for helping me see how beneficial it is to put myself out there as a blogger and be honest and myself in my posts, because not only will I get feedback from readers that will aid me in my journey to balance, but I also will continue to be someone readers can relate to and remember whenever they are fighting that negative voice themselves. THANK YOU BECKI for introducing yourself, and I hope that we can have a good long chat next time I am in town!

What is the most touching moment blogging has brought to you?

If you were at the HLS cocktail party, what was your fave photobooth prop? Your fave food item?

Out of all the eats in this post, what looks best to you? 🙂