Thursday, Friday, and Saturday were hard for me. Thursday I ate an un-planned carby dinner. Friday I was out with friends who didn’t finish their grilled cheese or their fries, so I ate them. Saturday I had a delicious meal with friends at a new-to-me hole-in-the-wall gem of a restaurant, Suso. The food was incredible but the table ordered so much of it and I ended up really full. Three nights in a row that my plan of what I ate for dinner and how much I ate did NOT happen. I ended up eating different food and/or too much food. It was enough to leave me in a really bad place Saturday night when I came home from dinner. It’s been a long time since my mom had to stroke my hair and offer me comfort as I cried it out, but it happened.
I felt and feel so very frustrated with myself. My all-or-nothing thinking is taking hold and I’m experiencing this petrifying feeling, a fear that three nights in a row means a new habit, that this will keep happening. I don’t want to let food rule my life and alter my experiences and dominate my thoughts. I want to be a normal person who can eat, enjoy, savor, and move on. I feel so ashamed of myself and a freak for not being able to say, “Okay I’m full, let’s stop eating now.” Saturday night I recall sitting at the table, staring at the food even though I was full. I couldn’t stop thinking about it til I tried a bit more here, a bit more there. I have this assumption now that I can’t trust myself, that I can’t be around food or I will go overboard. So black and white…as if the only way I can trust myself to not eat too much is to not eat at all, and to restrict.
I just had to get this vent out and I never publish on a Sunday but it’s Super Bowl Sunday and we are having a party at my house tonight and I frankly wish I could skip it! I don’t want to be around all that food. But last year I was fine and I am still the same Caitlin that I was last year. I focused on my loved ones and had a fine time. I’m so thankful to my good friends and family who understand me and have been there for me last night and today. As Kaitlin told me, as soon as I doubt myself my mind will take hold of that doubt and trick me into thinking I have no control and cannot trust myself. I have to stay positive all day and be ready to prove to myself that I can be around a bunch of food and not eat too much and not put all my mental energy into focusing on that.
So that’s my rant. I feel afraid and nervous and wary but I’m trying to push that aside. I’m trying to revel in my post-spin-class endorphins and sip my Daybreak Southern Pecan coffee and know that I am normal and can be normal and can enjoy in moderation. I am not all or nothing. As Alyssa told me this morning, gray area exists and it is where we have the most fun. I want to try to settle there tonight.
Have you ever doubted your ability to practice moderation?
Can you honestly say you trust yourself when it comes to living a healthy lifestyle?
Are/did you experience any anxiety around Super Bowl eats?