If I’m Being Honest…
If I’m being honest…I have not been in a good mental place the last few days and need to vent. I feel as if I need to write out the thoughts berating me so that I can make sense of them, figure out what to do in response to them, and/or try to quiet them.
If I’m being honest…I don’t remember the last time (since starting recovery) that I felt so dissatisfied with my body. I hate every photo I see and every angle looks bad in the mirror. I’m at this point where I really feel this want to “clean up” my diet. I want to “tone up”. I want to change the way my body looks. And what’s really annoying is I don’t know how to do that and not have an eating disorder. I don’t know if it’s “okay” to want to do that. When does that stop being called restriction? When does it stop being considered disordered behavior? Clare wrote a good post about this…can I be healthy in recovery? Can I make an effort to “clean up” my eats without falling prey to ED?
If I’m being honest…I am not in a place where I can try to “eat cleaner” without it being about my ED. Because the urge to restrict and deprive myself is seriously stronger right now than it has been in awhile. I’m still trying to learn to be okay with enjoying the food and drinks I love, so cutting back on some of them is going to hinder that journey. I keep seeing people Instagram their #eatclean-worthy meals and their heart rate monitors and their mile upon mile long runs and their brags about ordering water instead of a drink – and I want to do that. I want to get lost in that “look at me I’m so healthy” mindset so I can feel good about myself again. Now I’m not saying that I plan to do this. I’m not saying it is the answer…but I miss that high from looking back on my day and knowing I only ate X and didn’t eat Y.
If I’m being honest…ED sucks for making me feel the way I mentioned above, because it makes me forget how longingly I stared at the pizza. The tears I shed after I ate Y in addition to X. All I missed out on during the extra time I was spending at the gym. Or was it really not so bad? Was it worth it to miss out on some food to have a body I was happier with? I keep asking myself this question and I hate that the answer is not a 100% NO it was not worth it. I still have that voice saying well…maybe it was worth it. Maybe it’d be worth it to do that again.
If I’m being honest…I found the above photo on Facebook the other day and cannot stop myself from re-visiting it. During this trip to Newport, I experienced the moment that drove me to ask for help – I sobbed myself to sleep over eating a kid size ice cream. But right now I’m looking back at the picture and I wish I looked like that again. I was doing 200 minutes of cardio per week and netting less than 1,000 calories a day but…I think I look great here and want to look that way again. I have to remind myself of what it cost to look that way.
If I’m being honest…tears were shed this weekend over my clothes. My XS shirts don’t fit. Even a S didn’t fit. My XS yoga pants feel tight. I had planned on wearing a cute crop top with my blazer on Saturday night, and when I put it on I didn’t look good in it. I used to think I looked good in my clothes. Now I’ve got to figure out which tops flatter me. I ended up wearing a flowy top under the blazer. Did that look better? Yes. Did I absolutely hate that the flowy top looked better than the crop top? Fucking YES. I stared at myself in the mirror and wanted to make myself wear the outfit I WISHED I looked good in as a form of punishment, and as motivation to look good in it again.
If I’m being honest…people keep suggesting to me that I throw out the clothes that don’t fit. But doing that will make me feel like a failure, like I will never fit into them again. I want to wear them again. I want to wear small things and feel good in them again. I am having trouble letting go. As my good friend Rachel said to me yesterday…it’s like keeping photos of an ex boyfriend. I need to push delete. I’m keeping them because I hope to fit into those sizes again. But beneath the surface, that life was not healthy for me. Right now though, the discomfort and dislike I feel with myself is more apparent to me than that misery I felt at a smaller size.
If I’m being honest…I’m so thankful for my friends and family who are there for me to remind me of why I’m trying to leave ED behind. After all, I am my own worst critic. I need to remember that no one sees me the way I see myself. Nobody looks at me and psycho-analyzes my stomach (like I do). When people look at me, they don’t see a stomach on legs! They see Caitlin. And anyone who looks at me and DOESN’T see Caitlin is not worth thinking twice about.
If I’m being honest…I slept terribly last night and picked out a cute outfit in an effort to put my New Year’s resolution into action and make myself feel better today. Did it work? Ask the co-worker I almost turned to stone with my glare this morning when he came to my cubicle to “chit-chat”. I really really really am looking forward to going to Group Power this evening so I can lift all the heavy things, in an angry fashion. I am in A Mood.
How do you deal with body dissatisfaction?
Have you ever been in a situation where what you want to do to make you feel better in the short-term is an unhealthy long-term option?
Have you ever had trouble letting go of a symbol of your past?