Category Archives: Self Love/Recovery

My Thoughts on “To The Bone”

Disclaimer: I know from firsthand experience that even reading about books or movies that deal with eating disorders can be triggering. If you feel there is even a possibility that reading about “To the Bone” could trigger you, please skip this post!

I’m definitely not the first blogger to write about To the Bone (check out Clare’s post – I really enjoyed it), but I wanted to take a moment to share my thoughts on this new film from Netflix. It’s definitely been controversial and as someone who had a long struggle with anorexia, I’d like to put my two cents in. I’m also going to try to write about this post in a spoiler-free manner, so that those who haven’t seen the movie or don’t plan to can still read.

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It’s Not a Big Deal

This post has been bouncing around in my head for about a month now but I’ve been having trouble getting just inspired enough to actually write it. However I finally decided to the other night as I was thinking about something while lying in bed, trying to fall asleep. I had made chicken pot pie noodles for Jeff and I to eat for dinner, and I ate one helping. Then I put my bowl in the dishwasher, and went about my evening. I didn’t eat a dessert either. But the difference is – none of these things were endlessly debated. None of them were done out of punishment. I actually didn’t think about them at all. And that’s because I’m finally realizing that food is actually not a big deal.

There was a time when I’d think all day about the dinner I was going to eat, and worry about if I’d have more than one helping, and if I’d want a dessert. Then dinnertime would come and I’d eat a helping, want to eat another (because I’d starved myself all day), debate eating another, finally do it, feel like crap, and beat myself up. But then my mind would shift to dessert and I’d think about ice cream in the freezer, and wonder for another half hour if I should eat it, and finally decide that it was OK to have a little since I hadn’t had any in the last week.

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4 Favorite Dinners (And What They Mean)

I have really enjoyed cooking dinners for Jeff and I to enjoy together at home, even before we moved in together (check out my Pinterest account to see almost every recipe I’ve ever made). This post first started as a sort of round-up of four favorite home-cooked meals that we both have loved. However, I realized after I picked out the four that they all had a common theme. They were all meals that I would not have made for myself at home (as-is, at least) a couple of years ago…or even a year ago.

I used to consider home-cooked meals my “chance” to have complete, 100% control over ingredients and cooking methods. That meant making everything as “clean” as possible (very little fats, if any…veggie based…carbs only if I had worked out that day). In my head, this off-set any meals that I had out or bites and drinks I enjoyed at events I attended. So when sharing these four favorite dinners, I’d also like to highlight what about each dish makes it a big step for me, and shows how far I have come in my search for letting go and just enjoying food.

jambalaya

To this day I still am not a HUGE fan of rice, but Jeff loves it. He had mentioned jambalaya to me several times, so I decided to try my hand at making it using an easy recipe from Cook, Craft, Love. I considered doing the rice on the side and having none or only a little, but what good is a deconstructed jambalaya? So I just made it all in one pot, just like the recipe asked, and actually ended up really enjoying it…rice (carb) and all.

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New Normal

As I started to write this post, and fill in the title, it sounded familiar to me. So I entered “new normal” into the search term field on my own blog, and this post came up…from November of 2013. Back then I was still living in Connecticut, on the hunt for a new job but with 90+ Cellars and Boston nowhere in sight. Reading the post now is funny. In it I feel guilty for some pretty silly things, and reassure myself by basking in habits that I now no longer have. It’s really kind of sad to read, but I know it was all part of the recovery process.

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I had Columbus Day off yesterday, so Jeff and I went over to Night Shift Brewery, which encourages bringing your own food. So we brought Wendy’s. I went to a half hour bootcamp that morning, but didn’t think twice about the fact that I “only” worked out for half an hour and was eating fast food. I ordered what I wanted. I stopped when I was full (which happened to be when all my food was gone). There was no mental agonizing over that fact. There was no carb counting. There was just me enjoying a gorgeous fall day off with my boyfriend. Though critical thoughts about my body and eating/workout habits are still present, they are so much easier now to push out of my head, and move past. This is my current new normal.

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Sayonara, Salads

The title of this post is a bit ironic because while writing this I was eating a salad (the Cobb from Ward 8 – HIGHLY recommend). But today I’d like to talk about salads, and how I am eating less of them, and why I am psyched about that.

I realize that that’s pretty strange. Most people spend their days saying they should eat more salads. But having at least one salad per day has been a “rule” I’ve had for myself for a long time now, even after making huge progress in my recovery from an eating disorder. Ever since graduating from college in 2011 and starting full-time work, I have packed a salad for lunch almost every single day. I have often told people who asked that I do it to save money, but truthfully it has always been easier to allow myself to have wine or carbs in the evening if I am able to tell myself I had a carb-less, green lunch.  Salads have been my security blanket. I have choked down raw spinach – lunches I’ve hated – more times than I can count. I have refrained from wrapping up dinner at restaurants and taking it home, because I didn’t want to be tempted to pack it for lunch the next day instead of a salad. I have turned down free lunch at work (in fact, I did this every Friday for 2.5 years at my first job in Connecticut) in favor of a salad I had no desire to eat.

Frankly, I have just gotten SO SICK of salads.

So about a month ago at the store, I did something I hadn’t in a long time – I approached the deli counter. I bought turkey, and Muenster cheese, and wraps. And I started making myself turkey wraps to bring to work. And I LOVE it. It has been so nice to actually look forward to what I packed for lunch. It’s wonderful to eat my food and move on and not sit at my desk dreaming of what else I could eat or have obsessive thoughts about what I will have for dinner since I “earned” it with my salad. By making my lunch less of a big deal, food is less of a big deal, and I feel more free.

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Free to order pasta out at restaurants, something I couldn’t do last year.

Obviously I’m still going to want a salad every now and then, especially since many delicious salads exist, like the aforementioned Ward 8 Cobb or the taco salad I made for Jeff and I a couple of months ago.

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Letting Go of Old Clothes

It has been quite awhile since I wrote a post related to eating disorders and recovery. There was a time when that was almost all I wrote about here; a time when I was really struggling. Slowly after moving to Boston I began to do better and better, and the recovery related posts became less frequent. Particularly since this past summer, I have made lots of progress. I’ve taken more rest days than ever and realized that didn’t make me gain 50 pounds. I’ve been able to spend more time with friends and meet new people too, since I’ve been doing less hiding out in my apartment with my “safe foods”. I’ve even been able to let myself open up to someone and enter a serious relationship.

Jeff and I are actually moving in together over Memorial Day Weekend, and moving often presents a perfect opportunity to get rid of unwanted and unneeded possessions. Most notably, clothes. Many who have gone through recovery from an eating disorder will know that clothes are a touchy subject. They become too small, and that’s hard to deal with. Every article of clothing that will no longer fit still makes me feel like a bit of a failure, even if that feeling lasts just a few seconds. I have been holding onto these clothes, because setting them aside to donate makes me feel like I am giving up on being as small as I once was.

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Getting “Beach Ready”

This Thursday morning I take off for a four-day trip to Mexico to watch one of my closest friends, Rachel, marry the love of her life. And just like my last warm-weather-vacation, I’ve spent the weeks leading up to this one worrying about the whole bikini thing. But unlike my last vacation, which took place in March, I’m bombarded with the “get-beach-body-ready” messages that are so common this time of year. (Oh, and I’m pretty sure I weigh a few pounds more than I did on that last trip.)

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Just Say No

I’m coming off another weekend on the road, this one spent in Knoxville, Tennessee to watch my little sister Hannah graduate from the University of Tennessee! I am exhausted, and bummed that my work day doesn’t end until 9PM tonight, but am so also glad that I made the trip south to celebrate with my sister and see my family and our friends as well.

Despite the fact that I handled this Tennessee trip better than either of the last two I have taken, I still dealt with the usual anxiety over drinking more than usual, out-of-routine food, and working out less. However I also realized that I didn’t drink or eat a huge amount more than I would lately on a weekend, and the rest day I took was the one per week that I’ve gotten used to taking (and sometimes it’s two).

Manhattans and fried pickles aren’t unordinary weekend occurrences nowadays.

That in itself is perhaps a sign of progress in my journey to stop punishing myself via restriction and overexercising, but more so comes back to my concern that I’ve really been overdoing it lately and need to reel it back in.

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Last Boston Trades

OK so this is not the last “Boston-based” Trade Em Up Tuesday EVER, but these posts always end up being weekend recaps and I won’t be spending a weekend here again until mid-June. So get ready to hear a lot about Connecticut, Tennessee, Nantucket, Newport, and Mexico. Yup, I’ll be hitting up all those spots between now and mid-June. Now you can see why I’m looking at this as a last Boston-focused weekend recap.

I would not trade…a weekend of fairly solid workouts. Any morning that I can wake up and find the willpower to do 30 minutes on the Stair Master before work, especially if it’s a Friday, is a morning I feel proud of. You already know about my SoulCycle class on Saturday, and Sunday I managed to get in more stairs and weights at the gym. I didn’t feel too hot during Sunday’s gym trip (going to brunch beforehand probably had something to do with it) but I got it done, and patted myself on the back for that.

I would not trade…finally getting to Liquid Art House. Before Friday night’s Boston Wine Riot I met up there with my friend Jay (he was also going to be working the event) of Gerard Bertrand, for snacks and a drink somewhere near the venue. I suggested Liquid Art House because I’ve heard great things about the food, drinks, and ambiance. I selected The Ponte – rye cognac, vermouth, benedictine, and bitters. It was fantastic and just what I was craving before having to go into that crazy event.

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NEDAwareness Week 2015: I Had No Idea

Tomorrow is the last day of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, and I didn’t want the week to end without acknowledging it on this blog. Especially since I have been having SUCH a hard time lately accepting myself as I am now – my body, my lifestyle, my values. I’m so thankful to be a part of a community of friends who encourage and support me every day. I’m so happy to have family members who have never stopped encouraging me to recover, even when I’m a jerk to them when I’m having a bad day (sorry, Mom). And I’m glad that organizations like the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) exist to bring awareness to these awful diseases, which so often get brushed off, go undiagnosed, and are underestimated.

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I had no idea…that fats were essential to live. That is, until my skin was constantly itchy and my hair became brittle.

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Meet Caitlin

I’m a 28 year old full-time working girl living in Boston (previously lived in Connecticut). I’m passionate about food/drink, restaurants, self-love, fitness, and the ever-present search for balance. I write about that journey on this blog – I hope you enjoy!

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Design Credit

My header was originally designed by Mai Le and later tweaked by Chris Roggi to match this theme, which he helped me customize. He also moved me over to self-hosting! Both can be contacted through their sites for design & development work!

Disclaimer

I am not an RD and do not have any official training, certifications, or degrees in nutrition or fitness. This blog is a way to write about my life. Any views I express are mine alone, based on what works for me, and should never be taken as medical advice. Always talk to your doctor or a trained professional before starting a new diet or fitness plan. In addition, this blog and its content are in no way affiliated with Kate Gosselin, “Kate Plus 8”, TLC, or any related affiliates.

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