Tag Archives: recovery

NEDAwareness Week 2015: I Had No Idea

Tomorrow is the last day of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, and I didn’t want the week to end without acknowledging it on this blog. Especially since I have been having SUCH a hard time lately accepting myself as I am now – my body, my lifestyle, my values. I’m so thankful to be a part of a community of friends who encourage and support me every day. I’m so happy to have family members who have never stopped encouraging me to recover, even when I’m a jerk to them when I’m having a bad day (sorry, Mom). And I’m glad that organizations like the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) exist to bring awareness to these awful diseases, which so often get brushed off, go undiagnosed, and are underestimated.

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I had no idea…that fats were essential to live. That is, until my skin was constantly itchy and my hair became brittle.

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Weekend Trades

I haven’t been up for doing much writing lately, so I’ve been fairly absent recently – my bad. But if I’ve learned anything, it’s that forcing myself to write is a whole lot more frustrating than letting this blog go post-less for a week or so. Good has been happening lately, but a whole lot of bad on the emotional front as well. Sounds like a prime time for Trade Em Up Tuesday.

Seems I'm not alone!

Seems I’m not alone!

I would not trade…trying out a tasty new-to-me restaurant. Friday night I selected Marliave for a girls night with Jeannie and Allie. The menu looked super promising and I’m always down for starting my weekend with a good meal out. Despite some iffy service, we all really enjoyed our food and drinks! French restaurants do damn good French fries.

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The Kind Voice

I’m coming off of a mentally tough weekend and felt compelled to write about and reflect on something that often comes up during my therapy sessions. Each therapist I’ve ever had asks me if I picture the voice in my head, the eating disorder voice, in any certain way. Is it a male, or female voice? Do I even picture a person attached to the voice? Does it have a name? I don’t picture a person attached to the voice, nor do I know if it’s male or female. And I’ve never been able to get behind the whole “Call it ED!” thing. Giving the voice the name of a human is helpful for some when talking back, but not to me.

I would honestly just describe the voice as mean, harsh, and strict. It’s controlling and a perfectionist. I find that when I talk back to it, I try to employ another voice that is just the opposite – the kind voice. Lately I’ve realized it’s helpful for me to re-frame shoulds and can’ts as suggestions or ponderings, in that nicer voice. See, I have feared in the past fighting the eating disorder’s voice, because my all-or-nothing mindset told me that would be mean giving up caring about what I put into my body, if I work out, whether or not I gain a bunch of weight. My therapist has been trying to get me to practice encouraging myself to keep caring about myself and treating myself well, but in a nicer way. Some examples…

Eating Disorder Voice: You absolutely should not have another drink. You keep complaining about your body, well this is why you don’t like it. Alcohol just piles on the fat. You’re just going to keep gaining weight if you keep on this way.

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Rest Up, Party Up

I’ve spoken previously about experiencing guilt over not putting the gym first when my schedule gets packed. This past weekend was yet another example of how much I have changed in terms of my priorities. Except this time my schedule was not packed – it was my nose. OK wait, that’s gross, but let me explain.

Firstly, a spontaneous Thursday night dinner at a spot I really enjoy, The Merchant, turned into a Thursday night out at Highball Lounge. Not a huge deal – I took the T home (I only took one Uber this entire weekend and it was just $8 – hooray!) and did not overdo it on food or drink.

Highball is a super cool spot. I would go back in a second, and once again order sparkling rose with a garnish of RUBBER DUCKY.

However I woke up on Friday morning with a stuffy nose and by the time noon hit, it was a full-on cold. I had already decided it was a rest day, since I hadn’t taken a 100% rest day since Christmas (oops…). So missing the gym on Friday wasn’t such a big deal to me. I still went out for a low key dinner and then had a couple of glasses of wine after at one of my favorite bars, Oak Long Bar + Kitchen in the Fairmont Copley Plaza hotel. Jen was kind enough to join me and it was a great quiet Friday. And also involved lots of bread, which I crave when I have a cold. And in the moment, quenching my craving to make myself feel better was more important to me than counting carbs.

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New Year, New Trades

Hope you guys found yesterday’s sponsored post at least semi-relevant. Living in Boston means a tighter budget, and living in Boston in the winter means taking ALL of the Ubers. So bear with me while I try to fund said Ubers with some paid opportunities.

Also must continue to fund my cocktail habit…mine (on the left) is a bellini from Five Horses Tavern, made with Four Roses Bourbon and local balsamic! Don’t be fooled by the rock candy, this was not sweet.

And here I am today with a “real” post, in the form of Trade Em Up Tuesday. This isn’t about what I want to trade or not trade in the New Year. Rather, it’s just my first Trade Em Up Tuesday post of the New Year.

I would not trade…some successful recipes cooked at home! I’m continuing my quest to make some delicious dishes from my Pinterest boards and it’s mostly going great. A few hiccups here and there as I learn some cooking-related lessons, but that’s what living in my first apartment is all about.

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More Work, Less…What?

It feels good to be back with a “real” post! Since this past Monday evening when I had a mini-breakdown while on the phone with my mom, I have been wanting to address a topic that has been weighing on my mind since the start of November. For those who do not know, I work in the wine industry, for a Boston-based wine negociant called 90+ Cellars. Starting 11/1 (and even before that), the holiday season is really in full swing. I have been planning for Thanksgiving since September but now it’s REALLY here and things at work have been really busy. Still loving the job, no worries, but I’m working more than full-time in the office (plus events in the evenings and weekends). I also have been finding myself staying late and doing work-related tasks over the weekends. This results in spending more time at work.

Weekend work-life.

Time is a finite resource. More time at work means less time spent on other stuff. Like what? Well, I like to go out with my friends some weeknights and on weekends. There are some non-work-related events that still peak my interest. I run errands, I do chores. I’m (trying) to keep up with pleasure reading. And oh yeah, that other little thing that I certainly spend much of my finite time thinking about…the gym.

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Ch-Ch-Changes

Usually reflecting on how you and your life have changed is something that’s reserved for special occasions, like a birthday or the start of a new year. But I’ve been feeling pretty reflective lately. I’ve spent the last few weekend mornings waking up and laying in bed for awhile, thinking (often OVER thinking). I’ve been noticing how different my life is now than it was a year ago, and am having a hard time digesting, accepting, and being OK with it. I can’t even figure out if I SHOULD be accepting or OK with it. Maybe these changes need to be changed. Maybe not. My mind certainly spends enough time telling me they need to be.

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For example…going out. I love going out. Since moving to Boston there has barely been a Friday or Saturday that I stayed in. I did start going out more back when I was still living in CT, but now I stay out later and have more beverages because I don’t have to drive, and the city is just so alive. I attribute much of the weight I’ve gained since moving here to my love for going out. Alcohol has calories – a fact I know all too well. I go out more now, I weigh more now. So naturally my mind constantly berates me for how I spend my Fridays and Saturdays. I wake up most Saturday and Sunday mornings with anxiety and terrible body image. I’ve had a few really rough ones lately. I’ve woken up and wanted to do nothing but curl into a ball and lay in bed hating myself all day. Thankfully texts to friends and family have motivated me to get out of bed and go on with my life. The “easy” solution is to just, well, not go out. But…that’s not fun. That’s not what I WANT to do. This whole recovery thing has been about letting myself do what I want to do. But when does that stop being OK?

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Five Pounds

You may recall the “incident” when I went to a new doctor in Boston in mid-May, and peeked at my weight. I felt relieved at that time, because it wasn’t as high as my catastrophic-thinking-mind had thought it’d be.

Now a little less than four months later it was time to go back to the doctor yesterday morning and check in. And as much as I tried not to look at the scale, I caught a glimpse of my weight on the computer screen after the physician’s assistant had typed it in – and I felt my heart drop into my stomach.

Five pounds. That is how much higher the weight was, after a little less than four months.

The doctor came in and, while looking over my vitals, commented that my weight looked good. I gave a little snort and she looked at me inquisitively. I said I didn’t feel that it looked that good and she said to me, “Well, you gained weight. Now you’re at the low end of normal BMI. And to be honest, you look better now than you did when I first saw you.”

But I didn’t really care about any of that and none of it made me feel better. The thoughts in my mind told me that the best looking people are not a normal BMI, they are a lower BMI. They have less body fat than what is “healthy”. It’s often hard for me to take compliments that I look “better” or “healthy” or “good” because to me that just screams “NOT SKINNY”.

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Wouldn’t It Be Nice…

I made marvelous memories this past weekend but I also spent much of it in a negative funk with too much focus on body image, guilt, fear, comparison traps, and myself in general. The idea for this post popped up in my head yesterday I was taking a walk after the gym and feeling bad for leaving Zumba class halfway through because it was causing lots of pain in my shin.

Because, wouldn’t it be nice…

…if rest could be viewed as a component of a workout/training plan, and not a break from it?

…if putting on pants wasn’t something that needed to be preceded by a pep talk?

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Whale of a Time

I had so much fun at Saturday’s Boston Rose Cruise (check out Kat’s recap too!) – a whale-sized (aka large) amount of fun. Not only did Kat come to Boston to join me, my 90+ Cellars co-workers, and Eventbrite ticket-buyers for the three-hour Rose-only all-pink-wearing boat cruise, but my mom, sister, Greg, and Jen did as well!

MY PEOPLE! (Photo by Sean Fowler.)

MY PEOPLE! (Photo by Sean Fowler.)

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Meet Caitlin

I’m a 28 year old full-time working girl living in Boston (previously lived in Connecticut). I’m passionate about food/drink, restaurants, self-love, fitness, and the ever-present search for balance. I write about that journey on this blog – I hope you enjoy!

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Design Credit

My header was originally designed by Mai Le and later tweaked by Chris Roggi to match this theme, which he helped me customize. He also moved me over to self-hosting! Both can be contacted through their sites for design & development work!

Disclaimer

I am not an RD and do not have any official training, certifications, or degrees in nutrition or fitness. This blog is a way to write about my life. Any views I express are mine alone, based on what works for me, and should never be taken as medical advice. Always talk to your doctor or a trained professional before starting a new diet or fitness plan. In addition, this blog and its content are in no way affiliated with Kate Gosselin, “Kate Plus 8”, TLC, or any related affiliates.

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