Category Archives: Self Love/Recovery

More Birthday Stuff

Thank you for your props in response to my Mexico/birthday themed Marvelous In My Monday post! I really appreciate it, especially after my less frequent blogging as of late. But I still have more to say about my 25th birthday, which was this past Saturday. When I wrote the MIMM post, I was on the airplane and it was my birthday afternoon. I was feelin’ good! However the evening presented new challenges. I overcame them, but my birthday weekend wasn’t completely the rosy picture that my last post painted.

Before boarding the plane though, I did make a new friend from Ohio. He wanted to pose with me as I showed off the gin & tonic sample I received IN THE AIRPORT. Gotta love the duty-free shop in Mexico.

Before boarding the plane though, I did make a new friend from Ohio. He wanted to pose with me as I showed off the gin & tonic sample I received IN THE AIRPORT. Gotta love the duty-free shop in Mexico.

I had birthday dinner plans at my favorite restaurant, J Gilbert’s, with my very close friend (and blog namer, I can’t not mention that) Rachel. It was my first time seeing her since my move to Boston and also my first time seeing her since she got engaged! We started the evening off right with our barrel-aged Manhattans (or as we like to call him, Mr. Manhattan).

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Getting My Marvelous Priorities Straight

I am blogging today from Mexico and seriously planned for the last week to title this post “Marvelous Mexico”. But I have other stuff on my mind today because I woke up the morning of my departure with yet another illness. Seriously, I never used to get sick and this is the second time in two weeks. Has anyone else ever moved from the suburbs to the city and suddenly found themselves getting sick more often? Let’s hope this isn’t a continuing trend.

Thanks Katie for hosting this link-up every week!

Whenever I go on vacation, I like to work out first thing in the morning so I can feel less guilty about the rest of the day just laying out in the sun, going outside my food/drink box a bit more, and being fairly inactive in general. Some people like to spend their vacations exploring their surroundings and doing outdoor activities. That’s fine, but to be honest I like to sit on my butt in the sun and go out to eat.

i just couldn’t not have a drink with the rest of my family to celebrate our arrival at the hotel, but it definitely knocked me out.

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New Life, New Goals

Hey guys! I continue to be extremely busy but am trying to find time to blog where I can. The good news is my cold is already almost gone and I hope it won’t turn into a month-long cough, which is how most of my colds end up. Now I haven’t done a check-in for awhile now on the goals that I set for myself back in January (also, searching for that post made me realize I’ve made a lot of goal–related posts, but am bad about following up on them). I’ve been having a stressful week so far, putting a lot of pressure on myself, doing a lot of future-tripping, and not getting enough sleep (not on purpose). So I think it’s time to re-visit the goals I need to focus on because to be honest, some have changed due to my recent move/job change, some are still out there, and some can take a back-seat for now.

1. My New Year’s Resolution: I’m still keeping this one and have definitely been slacking on it lately. Up until this past Sunday’s event my nails had been bare for a couple of weeks, I’d been wearing lots of sweatpants (actually the same pair, over and over…), and not making much effort to look very human. And it totally had an effect on my mood and body image. I’ve been spending time feeling bad about myself and not doing anything about it. It’s time to change that. My practically non-existent commute means I have plenty of time to get ready in the morning. Just because I’m going out for a quick walking errand doesn’t mean I can’t try to look semi-presentable. I will never ban sweatpants and Uggs completely, but they need to see less use!

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Thinking Out Loud: First Week

Time to blog is short to come by these days! But all day long I’ve always got blog ideas popping up in my head and I’m always anxious to put them to digital-paper. I may not have time to do a whole post expanding on each of my ideas, but I always have time to think out loud with Amanda!

1. My first day of work went well! I showed up without my laptop because I’m used to working for a job where a PC is provided, but I’d much prefer to use my own laptop and the beauty of living so close to my job is I could easily walk to my apartment to grab it! I had a great time learning our e-commerce system for online wine purchases, brainstorming promotional ideas, and meeting my new co-workers. To be excited for the next day of work is a new feeling for me and one I could easily get used to!

First day of work selfie. I’m still riding high on my braid-making semi-abilities. I also have realized some form of headwear covering the ears is essential in Boston.

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Five Things Friday: Giterdone.

Just like with last week’s snow day, this week I was SO grateful to have one. Yesterday we got a load of snow dumped on us and that was (for once) fine with me because I was working away getting ALL the things done for my move to Boston. I honestly don’t even know when I would have had time to do it all; I’m picturing late night packing-and-panicking. Last week I spent my snow day apartment-hunting, and that ended up working out great. This week I spent the morning making lots of phone calls, and the afternoon getting a huge load of stuff ready to go with my mom, brother, and me to Boston tomorrow.

Linking up with Clare to share five things I got done!

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Transition Tuesday: CT to Boston

Man oh man, moving involves a LOT of transitions. It seems every moment I figure out how to go about one of them, another pops up! It’s like I’m Hercules fighting the hydra.

Source

But every little step forward, even if it’s just printing a blank form (here’s looking at you Mass RMV), makes me feel better. As does talking it out. So let’s talk about the many transitions involved in my upcoming move from Connecticut to Boston. Oh, and I’m asking you guys for advice, so advise away!

Apartment

I got approved for the apartment that I put in an application for on Saturday! I overnighted the signed lease yesterday and I got a call this morning to tell me it’s official. THE APARTMENT IS MINE! My parents and I are taking a trip to Boston this Saturday to get my keys and move in a bunch of my stuff. The big move will take place next Saturday, and will involve transporting furniture like my bed, dresser, desk, a table, chairs, and more. And if there is anything at all that you have needed for your apartment that you never would have imagined…please let me know because I’m sure I’ll forget to buy a bunch of stuff I need! And I will be posting photos as soon as I can!

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MIMM: I Did It!

I don’t exactly feel quite as cheery as this title and its exclamation point make it seem, but I still feel a hell of a lot better than I did yesterday. I can’t remember the last time I blogged on a weekend but I did yesterday, just a quick rant, because I was sitting at my laptop feeling sorry for and doubtful of myself. I set out to prove to my all-or-nothing mind that I could enjoy last night’s Super Bowl eats without going overboard, without getting too full, and also without restricting. Well I proved to myself just that, so that’s pretty marvelous.

Link up with Katie today and share your marvelous.

In terms of beverages, I decided to start with a beer I purchased a long time ago and was saving for a beer-esque evening such as Super Bowl Sunday. Plus I thought it’d be easy to sip slowly. John Henry 3-Lick Spiker Ale was recommended to me at Yankee Spirits because I shared with the sales associate that I am a bourbon lover. This beer is aged in bourbon oak chips and I adored it! I want to try some more John Henry beers now. After the beer I switched to another special something that I was motivated to sip slowly – the last of some Johnnie Walker Blue my dad had! What a marvelous guy (my dad, not Johnnie). The evening later ended with champagne…Andres, not so marvelous, but it’ll do.

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Trusting Myself

Thursday, Friday, and Saturday were hard for me. Thursday I ate an un-planned carby dinner. Friday I was out with friends who didn’t finish their grilled cheese or their fries, so I ate them. Saturday I had a delicious meal with friends at a new-to-me hole-in-the-wall gem of a restaurant, Suso. The food was incredible but the table ordered so much of it and I ended up really full. Three nights in a row that my plan of what I ate for dinner and how much I ate did NOT happen. I ended up eating different food and/or too much food. It was enough to leave me in a really bad place Saturday night when I came home from dinner. It’s been a long time since my mom had to stroke my hair and offer me comfort as I cried it out, but it happened.

I felt and feel so very frustrated with myself. My all-or-nothing thinking is taking hold and I’m experiencing this petrifying feeling, a fear that three nights in a row means a new habit, that this will keep happening. I don’t want to let food rule my life and alter my experiences and dominate my thoughts. I want to be a normal person who can eat, enjoy, savor, and move on. I feel so ashamed of myself and a freak for not being able to say, “Okay I’m full, let’s stop eating now.” Saturday night I recall sitting at the table, staring at the food even though I was full. I couldn’t stop thinking about it til I tried a bit more here, a bit more there. I have this assumption now that I can’t trust myself, that I can’t be around food or I will go overboard. So black and white…as if the only way I can trust myself to not eat too much is to not eat at all, and to restrict.

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Trade ‘Em Up Tuesday: Recovery

I really enjoyed the last Trade ‘Em Up Tuesday I participated in (thanks as always Alex for the idea!) and Carly’s amazing and honest post yesterday inspired me to take a similar topic and combine it with Trade ‘Em Up. There are plenty of moments when I still find myself missing the days of my eating disorder and the various sources of the “high” it gave me. But there are also plenty of sacrifices I made that I would not want to have to make again. So today I’m going to share what I would not trade, and what I sometimes want to trade, about recovery. Please be aware that the trades are not things I plan to do or think are a good idea to do! But it helps to take the voices in my head and put them here on this blog, so I can sort out those thoughts of temptation to slip back into old habits. I would not trade…cheese and nut butter. I remember the first sandwich I ordered with cheese on it, once I started treatment. I did it so I could tell my nutritionist I had done so, and not feel like I was lying to her (except I was already lying about a bunch of other stuff). But that first bite was…heavenly. My body seriously reacted to the fat in an almost scary way…that’s how deprived I was. I ate that sandwich SO freaking slowly, savoring every last bit of the cheese, even though there wasn’t all too much on there (of course I’d asked for light on the cheese). I also used to freak out if I ate nut butter more than two days in a row, and even then only one serving was okay, measured out and all. Now I love cheese so much, more than I ever did even before my ED began. I adore trying new nut butters and think a banana almost tastes sad without one (unless Chobani is involved).

Yes it was MY idea to order this Cask Republic cheese plate a couple of weeks ago.

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Weightless Goals

Thanks so much for your words of support in response to yesterday’s post. Every comment, email, tweet, etc was read and appreciated. No matter how crappy I may feel about myself during my recovery, there are plenty of experiences in my now-fuller life that make this process and journey worth it. I may be tricked at the moment into thinking deprivation was worth the body I was happier with, but I wasn’t even satisfied with myself back then. And you will be happy to hear that this morning, I got rid of that shirt on Saturday night that caused me tears over it being too small. It may only be one article of clothing, but it’s a start. Enough of that for now, because I’m honestly a bit sick of thinking about weight and body image and pants and all that crap. That’s why when yesterday I stumbled upon a Mind Body Green article titled 10 Awesome Life Changes That Have Nothing To Do With Losing Weight, I was completely inspired to write goal-related post as if I don’t have any issues with my appearance, any anxiety about what I ate/am going to eat, or any guilt about “only” doing 20 minutes of cardio yesterday. No body-related ambitions, no diet-related wishes, no promises to cut out X or work out more. Let’s talk about something else for once! Appreciate More: I tend to focus on shortcomings and get lost in negativity. I sometimes kinda-sorta-definitely hate those people who wake up each morning saying “Man it’s great to be alive!” but at the same time while I’m feeling like Miss Grumpy Pants over their happiness, they are, well, being happy. The phrase “fake it til you make it” keeps coming to mind. For example, if I wake up on a Monday and don’t want to go to work, I can continue to work on reminding myself to appreciate the fact that I even HAVE a job. Plenty of folks out there would kill for my job even if I don’t always enjoy it. Eventually if I keep repeating that to myself (the fake it) then I think I’ll start to believe it (the make it).

This is also where my New Year’s resolution comes in. I may not be psyched about going to work, but I can try to improve my mood by setting aside time the night before to pick out a cute outfit.

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Meet Caitlin

I’m a 28 year old full-time working girl living in Boston (previously lived in Connecticut). I’m passionate about food/drink, restaurants, self-love, fitness, and the ever-present search for balance. I write about that journey on this blog – I hope you enjoy!

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Design Credit

My header was originally designed by Mai Le and later tweaked by Chris Roggi to match this theme, which he helped me customize. He also moved me over to self-hosting! Both can be contacted through their sites for design & development work!

Disclaimer

I am not an RD and do not have any official training, certifications, or degrees in nutrition or fitness. This blog is a way to write about my life. Any views I express are mine alone, based on what works for me, and should never be taken as medical advice. Always talk to your doctor or a trained professional before starting a new diet or fitness plan. In addition, this blog and its content are in no way affiliated with Kate Gosselin, “Kate Plus 8”, TLC, or any related affiliates.

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