MIMM: I Did It!

I don’t exactly feel quite as cheery as this title and its exclamation point make it seem, but I still feel a hell of a lot better than I did yesterday. I can’t remember the last time I blogged on a weekend but I did yesterday, just a quick rant, because I was sitting at my laptop feeling sorry for and doubtful of myself. I set out to prove to my all-or-nothing mind that I could enjoy last night’s Super Bowl eats without going overboard, without getting too full, and also without restricting. Well I proved to myself just that, so that’s pretty marvelous.

Link up with Katie today and share your marvelous.

In terms of beverages, I decided to start with a beer I purchased a long time ago and was saving for a beer-esque evening such as Super Bowl Sunday. Plus I thought it’d be easy to sip slowly. John Henry 3-Lick Spiker Ale was recommended to me at Yankee Spirits because I shared with the sales associate that I am a bourbon lover. This beer is aged in bourbon oak chips and I adored it! I want to try some more John Henry beers now. After the beer I switched to another special something that I was motivated to sip slowly – the last of some Johnnie Walker Blue my dad had! What a marvelous guy (my dad, not Johnnie). The evening later ended with champagne…Andres, not so marvelous, but it’ll do.

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Trusting Myself

Thursday, Friday, and Saturday were hard for me. Thursday I ate an un-planned carby dinner. Friday I was out with friends who didn’t finish their grilled cheese or their fries, so I ate them. Saturday I had a delicious meal with friends at a new-to-me hole-in-the-wall gem of a restaurant, Suso. The food was incredible but the table ordered so much of it and I ended up really full. Three nights in a row that my plan of what I ate for dinner and how much I ate did NOT happen. I ended up eating different food and/or too much food. It was enough to leave me in a really bad place Saturday night when I came home from dinner. It’s been a long time since my mom had to stroke my hair and offer me comfort as I cried it out, but it happened.

I felt and feel so very frustrated with myself. My all-or-nothing thinking is taking hold and I’m experiencing this petrifying feeling, a fear that three nights in a row means a new habit, that this will keep happening. I don’t want to let food rule my life and alter my experiences and dominate my thoughts. I want to be a normal person who can eat, enjoy, savor, and move on. I feel so ashamed of myself and a freak for not being able to say, “Okay I’m full, let’s stop eating now.” Saturday night I recall sitting at the table, staring at the food even though I was full. I couldn’t stop thinking about it til I tried a bit more here, a bit more there. I have this assumption now that I can’t trust myself, that I can’t be around food or I will go overboard. So black and white…as if the only way I can trust myself to not eat too much is to not eat at all, and to restrict.

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Keep Calm and Think Out Loud

It’s that time of the week again: Thursday, the time to Think Out Loud! Thanks as always to Amanda for hosting this link-up, even from sunny California…hope you’re enjoying your time in Disneyland, lady! I too am going to be on the move tomorrow (I’m heading to Boston and staying the night to visit friends, Friday to Saturday) so I won’t be posting; this is the last you’ll hear of me this week. But I guess that means I can just throw in some extra thinking today, right?

Think out loud with the rest of us by linking up!

1. Since writing Tuesday’s Trade ‘Em Up post, staying in a couple of nights, and making sure I get enough sleep, I have been feeling better about myself anxiety and body-image wise. I didn’t even experience guilt yesterday about going out with friends the night before. I met up with former UConn co-workers (and newly engaged couple) Cara and Brian for dinner at Bricco Trattoria in Glastonbury. Still loving it there and have kept returning since New Year’s Eve!  After dinner we walked (aka jogged, it was freaking freezing) over to Hanafin’s for Tuesday Trivia. Theirs starts at 8PM – nice and early! I enjoyed a half pint of the Rebel IPA (two thumbs up) and even managed to contribute a few movie-related trivia answers. I have to be honest and say I totally judged a bro the next table over who didn’t know that Finch is the last name of Atticus from To Kill a Mockingbird. Did you not take high school English?

A side of baby cabbages (of course) and they were awesome.

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Big Brew and 42

Full Disclosure: I am being provided complimentary admission to this event.

I mentioned previously that Molly and I will be traveling to White Plains, NY on Saturday 2/8 to attend the Big Brew NY Beer Festival. I was offered the chance to interview Chef Anthony Goncalves, chef/owner of 42 the Restaurant and the designer of the beer-infused buffet that will be available to attendees of the fest’s VIP portion.

  • Beer battered fish and ranch chips
  • Beer braised lamb arancini (Parmesan and preserved lemon)
  • IPA pickled carrot salad over roasted and dehydrated carrot
  • Oatmeal Stout glazed apple fritter

Needless to say (and especially since the general admission tasting takes place AFTER the VIP tasting), Molly and I are certainly going to have to pace ourselves! I could be a “healthy living blogger” and say I’m most looking forward to the pickled carrot salad…but that’d be a lie. I’m looking forward most to the lamb – I love lamb! (Not to be confused with lamp.)

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Holy off topic. Anyway, I emailed to Chef Anthony some questions that came to mind after browsing both the festival’s and the restaurant’s websites. After getting his answers, I had the chance to give him a call and follow up to gather some more insight into his involvement with and feelings about Big Brew Fest, and beer in general.

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Trade ‘Em Up Tuesday: Recovery

I really enjoyed the last Trade ‘Em Up Tuesday I participated in (thanks as always Alex for the idea!) and Carly’s amazing and honest post yesterday inspired me to take a similar topic and combine it with Trade ‘Em Up. There are plenty of moments when I still find myself missing the days of my eating disorder and the various sources of the “high” it gave me. But there are also plenty of sacrifices I made that I would not want to have to make again. So today I’m going to share what I would not trade, and what I sometimes want to trade, about recovery. Please be aware that the trades are not things I plan to do or think are a good idea to do! But it helps to take the voices in my head and put them here on this blog, so I can sort out those thoughts of temptation to slip back into old habits. I would not trade…cheese and nut butter. I remember the first sandwich I ordered with cheese on it, once I started treatment. I did it so I could tell my nutritionist I had done so, and not feel like I was lying to her (except I was already lying about a bunch of other stuff). But that first bite was…heavenly. My body seriously reacted to the fat in an almost scary way…that’s how deprived I was. I ate that sandwich SO freaking slowly, savoring every last bit of the cheese, even though there wasn’t all too much on there (of course I’d asked for light on the cheese). I also used to freak out if I ate nut butter more than two days in a row, and even then only one serving was okay, measured out and all. Now I love cheese so much, more than I ever did even before my ED began. I adore trying new nut butters and think a banana almost tastes sad without one (unless Chobani is involved).

Yes it was MY idea to order this Cask Republic cheese plate a couple of weeks ago.

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MIMM: Worn Out But Worth It

I am exhausted, despite the fact that I went to sleep at 9:15PM and got to sleep til almost 8 this morning. But the reason I’m worn out is because of a weekend which included some going out of my box, and it was well worth it. Let’s get the Marvelous In My Monday party started so that I can remember that fact.

Will you too be joining Katie’s marvelous link-up?

Marvelous is…trying a new restaurant for a baby shower on Friday. I went to spin in the morning so I was able to join my co-workers after work for drinks and dinner, which is not something I’m usually able to do with my preference for evening gym sessions. I was of course in charge of picking the place and I ended up choosing nearby Cracker Barrel Pub in Tariffville, because they just re-did the menu and new manager and head chef Hazen is someone I’ve worked with before. Clearly he knows me because he sent out crispy baby cabbages for the table – what a nice surprise! (If anyone is interested in trying Cracker Barrel’s new menu, there is a Groupon out right now!)

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Cookin’ and Killin’ It

Don’t worry vegetarian readers, I’m not talking about killin’ an animal for cooking (see title). I’m talking about killin’ my goal to cook more meals at home. Yesterday I mentioned I was planning to get a Whole Foods salad after the gym. Well I got to thinking throughout the day as I was researching which recipes I wanted to use for food prep this weekend. I’ve eaten at home, without takeout, every night this week since Sunday. Why not make it a full week of weeknight meals at home, with no takeout? Why not go all the way and just kill it?

That’s just what I did! After the gym (where I got in a killer personal training session by the way, more on that later!) I went to Stop N Shop and picked up ingredients for the meals I plan to prep that weekend, plus some frozen veggies so I could make Tina‘s Creamy Laughing Cow Cheese Veggies. I already had the Creamy Swiss flavor at home though, so I just used that instead of Chipotle. I still kept the frozen broccoli, but I used frozen baby cabbages instead of edamame/spinach because I have never cooked with frozen baby cabbages and wanted to see how they’d turn out (obviously they wouldn’t turn out as good as the roasted kind). I also cooked up a pot of Goya chickpeas and black beans (with added garlic salt and cumin) on the stovetop. I combined the beans, creamy veggies, and some leftover meatloaf into a bowl for a delicious veggie and protein packed meal. Perfect for post-strength training.

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Psyched to Think Out Loud!

Confession: I get so psyched about Amanda‘s Thinking Out Loud Thursdays, AKA the perfect excuse for me to ramble about tons of different topics in a totally ADD-like fashion, that I start these posts a couple of days in advance. Like this one, which I am starting on a Tuesday. The draft of each post becomes a bucket for the thoughts that pop into my head between starting the post and hitting “Publish”.

Join her link-up if you are thinking out loud today too!

1. I watched the first episode of #RichKids of Beverly Hills and sorry folks, but I’m obsessed. The stars of the show kept saying all these really stupid, vain things that I so often want to say but cannot (without being judged)…or I’ll say them, but only around my closest friends. Seriously, these #RichKids are MY PEOPLE. I kinda want to hang out with them. Here are some of my favorite gems (plenty more here):

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WIAW: Cheddar Chicken-Veggie-Potato Chowder

A very special happy birthday to my darling blend Kaitlin of For Love of Carrots! I will be visiting her this weekend so we can celebrate in person and I just can’t wait!

I’m glad I’m not the only one who finds it helpful to focus on goals that don’t have to do with food/fitness! Though I have to admit I was a bit of a fail with some of my goals the day I set them – blah.

  • Appreciate More: I certainly kept my head up despite snow changing my gym plans and being a general nuisance. After all I got to go home to hang with my dad, who’d just returned from our FL condo (bad timing Dad!), and my boss was nice enough to let me leave work a bit early to try to beat snowy rush hour (I didn’t, but it was a nice thought!). I had plenty to appreciate, and I certainly did so.
  • Cook At Home More: More on that later in this post!
  • Separate From My Phone More: I was definitely on my phone less yesterday than usual, most likely due to writing my blog post, but I still didn’t want to leave it downstairs at all during dinner. I was watching SNL on the DVR with my dad and kept finding so many tweet worthy things to comment on – not things Drake said, but #shitmydadsays!
  • Go Outside More: Another fail. I knew that a polar vortex and a storm was coming so I just did not go outside during the work day, not even to take one breath of fresh air. However I was feeling a lot more upbeat yesterday and didn’t really find a need to go outside to “center myself”. I had lots of paperwork to do and that is always nice for me, to just plug away at my desk with my music going.

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Weightless Goals

Thanks so much for your words of support in response to yesterday’s post. Every comment, email, tweet, etc was read and appreciated. No matter how crappy I may feel about myself during my recovery, there are plenty of experiences in my now-fuller life that make this process and journey worth it. I may be tricked at the moment into thinking deprivation was worth the body I was happier with, but I wasn’t even satisfied with myself back then. And you will be happy to hear that this morning, I got rid of that shirt on Saturday night that caused me tears over it being too small. It may only be one article of clothing, but it’s a start. Enough of that for now, because I’m honestly a bit sick of thinking about weight and body image and pants and all that crap. That’s why when yesterday I stumbled upon a Mind Body Green article titled 10 Awesome Life Changes That Have Nothing To Do With Losing Weight, I was completely inspired to write goal-related post as if I don’t have any issues with my appearance, any anxiety about what I ate/am going to eat, or any guilt about “only” doing 20 minutes of cardio yesterday. No body-related ambitions, no diet-related wishes, no promises to cut out X or work out more. Let’s talk about something else for once! Appreciate More: I tend to focus on shortcomings and get lost in negativity. I sometimes kinda-sorta-definitely hate those people who wake up each morning saying “Man it’s great to be alive!” but at the same time while I’m feeling like Miss Grumpy Pants over their happiness, they are, well, being happy. The phrase “fake it til you make it” keeps coming to mind. For example, if I wake up on a Monday and don’t want to go to work, I can continue to work on reminding myself to appreciate the fact that I even HAVE a job. Plenty of folks out there would kill for my job even if I don’t always enjoy it. Eventually if I keep repeating that to myself (the fake it) then I think I’ll start to believe it (the make it).

This is also where my New Year’s resolution comes in. I may not be psyched about going to work, but I can try to improve my mood by setting aside time the night before to pick out a cute outfit.

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Meet Caitlin

I’m a 28 year old full-time working girl living in Boston (previously lived in Connecticut). I’m passionate about food/drink, restaurants, self-love, fitness, and the ever-present search for balance. I write about that journey on this blog – I hope you enjoy!

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Design Credit

My header was originally designed by Mai Le and later tweaked by Chris Roggi to match this theme, which he helped me customize. He also moved me over to self-hosting! Both can be contacted through their sites for design & development work!

Disclaimer

I am not an RD and do not have any official training, certifications, or degrees in nutrition or fitness. This blog is a way to write about my life. Any views I express are mine alone, based on what works for me, and should never be taken as medical advice. Always talk to your doctor or a trained professional before starting a new diet or fitness plan. In addition, this blog and its content are in no way affiliated with Kate Gosselin, “Kate Plus 8”, TLC, or any related affiliates.

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