If I’m Being Honest…

If I’m being honest…I have not been in a good mental place the last few days and need to vent. I feel as if I need to write out the thoughts berating me so that I can make sense of them, figure out what to do in response to them, and/or try to quiet them.

If I’m being honest…I don’t remember the last time (since starting recovery) that I felt so dissatisfied with my body. I hate every photo I see and every angle looks bad in the mirror. I’m at this point where I really feel this want to “clean up” my diet. I want to “tone up”. I want to change the way my body looks. And what’s really annoying is I don’t know how to do that and not have an eating disorder. I don’t know if it’s “okay” to want to do that. When does that stop being called restriction? When does it stop being considered disordered behavior? Clare wrote a good post about this…can I be healthy in recovery? Can I make an effort to “clean up” my eats without falling prey to ED?

If I’m being honest…I am not in a place where I can try to “eat cleaner” without it being about my ED. Because the urge to restrict and deprive myself is seriously stronger right now than it has been in awhile. I’m still trying to learn to be okay with enjoying the food and drinks I love, so cutting back on some of them is going to hinder that journey. I keep seeing people Instagram their #eatclean-worthy meals and their heart rate monitors and their mile upon mile long runs and their brags about ordering water instead of a drink – and I want to do that. I want to get lost in that “look at me I’m so healthy” mindset so I can feel good about myself again. Now I’m not saying that I plan to do this. I’m not saying it is the answer…but I miss that high from looking back on my day and knowing I only ate X and didn’t eat Y.

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Let’s See How Far We’ve Come

Happy Friday readers! I came into work late today due to a family obligation so I’m all confused about what time and day it is. Thankfully the time is afternoon and the day is Friday, so I’d say I’m in business. I wasn’t sure what to blog about today or even if I was going to blog, but I can’t stay away for long so here I am. I noticed a few things last night during the plans I had mentioned in yesterday’s post, so I’d like to share them with you all.

I first headed to J’s Crab Shack in Hartford after the bartender Kim invited me to come have a Manhattan in their new lounge (formerly was a banquet room). While there I found out that not only was Kat running late to the event, but the food there would be “snacks” from Pond House Cafe (who by the way is offering some fun reasonably priced cooking classes this year). I love Pond House food but snacks seemed ominous to me. I knew I needed to eat dinner but making a dinner out of event snacks often means making dinner out of dips, cheeses, and other not-so-light food. Instead of planning to restrict at the event (AKA drinking on an empty stomach), I made the decision to go next door to O’Porto and grab dinner – a healthy dinner I was comfortable with – at the bar.

Greens, shrimp, smoked-salmon-wrapped asparagus, and balsamic vinaigrette.

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Let’s Think-Out Loud (Let’s Think-Out Loud)

I hope at least one person gets that the title of this post is meant to be sung to the tune of “Let’s Get Loud” by J. Lo. If you don’t get it after this explanation and the below video, I have failed as a blogger.

 

I hope you guys are ready for some thoughts. Because I’ve got a few of them, and it’s Thursday, which means it’s time to link up with Amanda for Thinking Out Loud Thursdays!

Thinking-Out-Loud
1. I totally spaced and didn’t announce the winner of my Nancy Rose Performance workout outfit giveaway in Tuesday’s post. Oops! Thank you to all who entered and our winner is Hillary…I will be contacting you to arrange for receipt of your prize!

2. Best of Hartford 2014 awards nominations are out for both Hartford Magazine and Hartford Advocate. I’m honored to be nominated again in categories for both! You can vote for me for Best Blogger and Best Twitterer in Hartford Mag’s awards, and Best Local Blogger, Best Local Twitter, and Best Local Instagrammer in Hartford Advocate‘s awards.

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Trade Em Up Tuesday

Alex is a big fan of Trade Em Up Tuesday (her post today is living proof) and I have always wanted to participate, but the timing never worked out. Well today it has and I have plenty of little shares, so this post is perfect for just that!

I would trade…the serious Monday doldrums I was in yesterday. I know I said that I allowed myself to enjoy my weekend without too much regret and I did…until Sunday night. I went over to Kat‘s to have dinner and watch the Golden Globes with our friend Carolyn, and ended up drinking way more Cupcake Prosecco and St. Germaine than I’d originally planned. I also ate a TON of baby cabbages (roasted in olive oil and curry powder, a new-to-me roasting ingredient that I’ll surely be using again) which just made me feel so full. Even if I’m full of veggies, that full feeling is hard to deal with and messes with my head. I woke up on Monday feeling dehydrated and bloated, so my clothes felt tight on me. I checked the tag on my shirt and it read XS, so I attempted to comfort myself with the fact that such a small size purchased earlier in my recovery surely may feel smaller on me now, but then my ED started beating me up for trying to make myself feel OK with not fitting into the smallest sizes out there. AGH.

I would not trade…the excellent time I had at Kat’s! Carolyn is hilarious so having her around to watch the awards with us was great. Kat made an amazing dinner (she roasted a lemon and rosemary chicken and gave me a mini tutorial on how to do so; it turned out delicious) and damn, Prosecco and St. Germaine is fantastic. Of course I also got quality time with Kat’s daughter Penelope, and even was able to babysit her for about thirty minutes while Kat and her hubby went on an errand. It meant a lot to me that they trusted me with their little girl and I hope it was the first of many babysitting sessions to come!

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Marvelous Mohegan Trip!

Tonight is your last chance to enter my Nancy Rose Performance giveaway for a new workout outfit! Entries close at 11:59PM EST. Seems as if it’s been eons since my last Marvelous In My Monday (MIMM) post. I haven’t taken the time to sit down and write one since before all my holiday travels! But this past Saturday night certainly calls for a recap. My good friend Molly came home (we grew up a few houses away from each other) from Boston so we could spend time together in CT. Turns out my parents planned a spontaneous overnight at Mohegan Sun Casino for that very same evening…and they let us tag along.

Will you be joining Katie’s link-up this week?

We got ready in the hotel room and headed downstairs to grab a snack, since dinner reservations were late. I knew Molly would adore Tuscany and we had a cheese plate craving so we selected that as our first stop of the night. I had the Perfectly Pear Martini (Absolut Pear, Martini & Rossi Asti) which earned its name thanks to the bartender doing a great job of fulfilling my request for just the tiniest splash of sour apple pucker (it was supposed to come with more). Molly was pleased by her Rye Sour…and the prompt bread-and-dips (white bean puree and olive tapenade) service. Continue reading →

Fashion Friday: Nancy Rose Performance Giveaway!

I received a complimentary outfit from Nancy Rose Performance for purposes of review. All opinions are my own. This is not a sponsored post.

It’s been awhile since my last Fashion Friday and today’s is a giveaway for an outfit from Nancy Rose Performance! The brand contacted me last month to find out if I’d be interested in testing out a top/bottom and giving the same combo to a reader. I have plenty of workout clothes but I’m always game to try more, especially those that look nothing like other gear I own, like the Releve Tank.

I wore this to spin class! It was a bit hard to figure out how to tie at first but I got it eventually.

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Best Books of 2013

Thanks so much to all for your comments of support on yesterday’s post. I was nervous to hit publish but am glad I could provide some insight into a common ED behavior. Even if everyone couldn’t relate (which I am glad for) I appreciate the words of encouragement about my efforts to kick the habit of body checking.

And ah, here she is with another cliche best-of-2013 post! I’m trying to stop guys, I really am, but this is a tough habit to kick. And ever since Kaitlin did her top books of 2013 post, I have been wanting to do one of my own! It’s no secret that I’m a bookworm. I’m also highly organized, which makes Goodreads the perfect way for me to keep track of both books I have read, how much I liked them, and books I want to read. My “read” shelf is making it a whole lot easier right now for me to make this list; these are all books I read in 2013 that I gave five stars to.

My Favorite Books of 2013

(Please note that these are in no particular order because I cannot be burdened with ranking these great books.)

Source

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Checking Myself to Wreck Myself

Without the scale, I have latched on to a couple of bad habits to “keep track” of changes in my body. One is psycho-analyzing how my pants fit. The other is body checking.

I’ve been wanting to write a post addressing body checking ever since Sam discussed the topic (almost a year ago!) on her amazing blog (a must-read for anyone interested in eating disorders and recovery). The truth is, though I have gotten better about it, I still body check. My stomach is the area of my body I am most self conscious about, and it is hard to resist the urge to lift up my shirt and look in the mirror during the day just to see what it looks like. I often examine my body from many different angles in the morning when I am getting dressed, and/or in the evening before/after I shower. This sounds like an extremely vain practice and it’s a bit embarrassing to admit, but I do it.

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25 Things From 19 Year Old Me

I was perusing Facebook yesterday and stumbled upon one of those “Notes”  (a feature that kinda seemed to die out…maybe FB was trying to become more blog-esque?) that you could publish publicly. I wrote it in response to a 25-things survey that was going around. The best part is I wrote this on 2/19/09…AKA I was nineteen years old.

I suppose some things do not change.

I suppose some things do not change.

There’s no way I cannot a) share it with you all and b) comment (in italics) on each item in the list. It’s pretty interesting to see where I am now versus almost FIVE years later! Also, please note the lack of capitalization and constant use of abbrevs. I’m leaving all that in the list; gotta publish it exactly as I wrote it in February 2009!

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Food Events of 2013

Let’s continue with those 2013 posts, folks. I’ve only got about another week to do so before it becomes socially unacceptable. Last month I noticed a fun Buzzfeed list: The 25 Most Important Things That Happened In 2013 For Food Lovers. I figured I’d comment on some that stood out to this particular food lover.

“19. All of the buns. Bun everything.”

I’m not a huge bun fan because they are…too huge. At least I often find they are, in comparison to the amount of meat/etc in between them. Almost every time I order a burger, I wish it had a thinner bun. Can a flatbread burger joint please open up?! But I’ll put up with a thick bun if it’s unique. Glazed donut bun? I’m intrigued. Pretzel bun? Yum! By the way, shoutout to Ruby Tuesday’s for their ridiculous pretzel bun marketing campaign in which they asked people to use the hashtag #FunBetweenTheBuns.

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“18. Maker’s Mark announced a plan to lower the alcohol content of their bourbon. America didn’t let it happen.”

Um, obviously not. This is also the year of Maker’s 46. Ok, so it came out in 2010. But this is the year I discovered it, and I freaking love that stuff.

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Meet Caitlin

I’m a 28 year old full-time working girl living in Boston (previously lived in Connecticut). I’m passionate about food/drink, restaurants, self-love, fitness, and the ever-present search for balance. I write about that journey on this blog – I hope you enjoy!

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Design Credit

My header was originally designed by Mai Le and later tweaked by Chris Roggi to match this theme, which he helped me customize. He also moved me over to self-hosting! Both can be contacted through their sites for design & development work!

Disclaimer

I am not an RD and do not have any official training, certifications, or degrees in nutrition or fitness. This blog is a way to write about my life. Any views I express are mine alone, based on what works for me, and should never be taken as medical advice. Always talk to your doctor or a trained professional before starting a new diet or fitness plan. In addition, this blog and its content are in no way affiliated with Kate Gosselin, “Kate Plus 8”, TLC, or any related affiliates.

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