Tag Archives: eating disorder

Marvelous Newport Weekend

I visited my second favorite place ever (after Las Vegas) – Newport, RIthis past Saturday to Sunday with my family and family friends. Though I struggled yesterday in the late afternoon and evening with the fun I had this weekend – the more I enjoy life, the guiltier I feel and the feel more anxiety about gaining weight and “misbehaving” – I am glad that I did not let fear stop me from living out each moment to its fullest.

Make sure you join the marvelous party!

I kicked off the weekend in the best way possible – with a blend meetup. The fabulous Alyssa mentioned in her blog post on Friday that she was going to be headed to Newport for a wedding. HUH-WHAT?! I messaged her on Facebook immediately, incoherently babbling with excitement, to find out when exactly she’d be in town. She was busy with wedding festivities most of the weekend, but we found time to meet in the parking lot of the Best Western for a few hot seconds of huge hugs, tears, and selfies. Can’t wait to see this girl again, and next time we better have drinks in our hands – and meet up for more than five minutes.

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Proving Myself to…Myself

I sure hope someone catches the “Austin Powers” reference in the title…

I have the best readers in the world – thanks for your comments on yesterday’s post! I was already feeling a lot better when I published it Monday morning but I still had lingering feelings of regret that were holding on tightly. Like I wrote yesterday, time has been a huge part of making me feel better but your kind words help too. The way I spent my Saturday and Sunday evenings, post-Friday-evening-debacle, also gave myself the PROOF my mind needed to see that drinking all the drinks and spending all the dollars (I hope you caught that Alex) will not become habit and is not something I’ll keep wanting to do.

Saturday Night at Krust

Friends are the best medicine!

Friends are the best medicine!

Saturday night I had plans to attend the birthday dinner of Kelly‘s hubby Nick. I’d recommended to them one of my fave restaurants around, Krust Pizza Bar in Middletown. I have to be honest…I considered cancelling. I wanted to sit in my house and eat a salad and drink water, to punish myself for overdoing it on the alcohol the previous night. But I also knew that surrounding myself with loved ones and being a part of celebrating Nick’s special day would mean a lot to both me AND Kelly and Nick. Plus, staying in would have been letting the regret win. So I showered, put on a cute outfit, and headed out!

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R and R: Rest and Regret

I loved reading the comments on Friday’s post about Instagram media literacy! I figured many of you would be able to relate and I will be replying to the comments and continuing the discussion as soon as I can.

Major thanks again to everyone who was so supportive of my planned rest day this past Friday, from those who had tweets waiting for me before I even woke up, to those who checked in the day after. Whenever I wasn’t THINKING about not waking up to work out before or not driving to the gym after work, I felt okay. In fact (I will never not ask you guys to support me so please don’t take this the wrong way), sometimes I’d be good and not thinking about missing a workout and then I’d get a tweet or text asking me how the rest day was going, which unfortunately reminded me that I was taking one and made me feel guilty again. Catch-22!

UConn reunion: Ravi, Kelly, me, and Jeff.

UConn reunion: Ravi, Kelly, me, and Jeff.

My co-worker convinced me to pop into a Friday happy hour at a dive bar down the street from the office, because I always miss co-worker gatherings since I hit the gym after work. I figured since I wasn’t going to the gym that day, I should take advantage and stop by before I went to meet my college friends (above) for dinner and a night out. Ravi and Kelly were visiting from Long Island and Redding, CT (respectively) so that’s why I felt missing the gym and spending more time with them was important.

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Three Things Thursday: A Discount, A Campaign, A Leap

Happy almost-Friday, folks. Our database and email network are both down at work today so you are definitely hearing from me. I have a few little things to talk about so I figured a fun, random post was in order.

1. Kona Kase Discount Code

I just received the July Kona Kase to review and will be sharing that eventually. I already received and reviewed the June Kase…you may recall I felt it contained more products for endurance athletes than I need (aka I need none) so I am looking forward to finding out what’s in the July box and seeing if the products are more “me”! I’m not withholding that information from you on purpose…I truly don’t know because I haven’t opened it yet. While you’re waiting for my review though, you can look at my June review and use a new discount code “GIFTSUMMER” to get $5 off your first Kase. That means $10 to try Kona Kase, which I think is a good deal given how much the products inside would probably cost separately.

2. Heather Waxman’s Kickstarter Campaign

Heather is taking a huge leap and pursuing her dream of combining her vocal talent with her desire to spread the word about the benefits of meditation. She’s started a Kickstarter campaign and needs $3,500.00 of funding by August 8 in order to create and distribute her very first meditation album, “Soul Sessions”. It will be available via digital download as well as CD, and backers can get their own copies (and more) as a thank you for donating. Even if you can only donate $5 it will help, so please take a moment to check out the video about her campaign and back it if you support it!

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Leaving Behind An Empty Life

On Sunday morning I opened an email from a fellow blogger, sent to me in response to this post. It contained a sentence that really stood out to me, and also inspired me to write this post, which has been brewing in some form or another in my head for the last few weeks. The sentence was: “… I realized that the weight I had previously been was in no way sustainable unless I lived a life that was isolating and inherently quite empty.”

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That photo of me was taken in August 2010, soon before I sought help for an eating disorder. 100% honesty – I love how I look in that picture. I felt confident that day. I felt attractive. But do you know what else I felt? Hungry. I remember I packed a wrap for lunch (I’d skipped breakfast) using a 90-calorie FlatOut wrap. After I finished it, I barely felt a dent in my hunger, but I didn’t eat again until dinner. I’d skipped breakfast and worked out that morning. While my friends bought ice creams at the beach, I tried not to watch them enjoying their summer treats. I tried to give myself props and tell myself it was all worth it.

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My Latest Fear

Thanks for your comments on my four Glassses.com frame options, which I shared in the most recent Fashion Friday post. I will let you all know once my new glasses arrived which option I went with!

My cranky-pants are on in full force this morning. I should probably write a Marvelous In My Monday post to cheer myself up, but I didn’t have time yesterday to get all my weekend photos transferred to WordPress and I also just don’t feel like it. I just need to rant/vant/etc.

I had a very fun last few days full of special moments with the family and friends I am lucky to have in my life. Okay, I’ve acknowledged that I’m extremely fortunate. I know that. But as I’ve mentioned before, the more I enjoy, the more afraid I get that I am going to gain weight and look awful. I’ve tried talking myself through these moments of fear and fighting the irrational thoughts with those based in self-love. I’ve gotten to a point where though I may still be tempted by my ED and restriction, I am able to make healthier choices that nourish me both mentally and physically in a way that no choices I made during the worst of my ED ever could have.

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The Alcohol Calorie Struggle

I mentioned briefly in Monday’s MIMM weekend recap that some portions of the weekend brought on anxiety and emotional struggles for me. Not surprisingly, these were ED-related…specifically to my feelings before and after drinking alcohol.

One of this past weekend's day drinks - Yellow Tail Sparkling Rose in Lilly Pulitzer glasses (of course).

One of this past weekend’s day drinks – Yellow Tail Sparkling Rose in Lilly Pulitzer acrylic wine glasses (of course).

Since I entered recovery, my relationship with alcohol and its “empty calories” has improved. To this day the number “seven” still sticks out in my head – as in the number of calories per gram of alcohol. I see this number in my mind each time I have a drink. The difference between me now and me two years ago is now I can actually take a sip of a drink, as in I can actually perform the action. I used to be crippled by such fear of empty alcohol calories, and my belief that they’d just pile up on my stomach in the form of fat, that I rarely ever drank. If I did, I had to be STARVING first to do so. My senior year of college, I’d barely eat all day long so that I could go out to the bars at night and drink rum and Diet Coke (gross).

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Belated Birthday and Vacation Reflections

I don’t have much time at all to expand beyond yesterday’s simple WIAW recap of my Florida vacation eats/drinks. Work’s so busy that I shouldn’t even be taking a lunch break to write this! But I am because I also finally managed to get more FL pics uploaded to share and use in this post about what you CAN’T tell from simply looking at my photos.

My co-workers know me well and got me a rhinestone birthday card and wine!

Right around my birthday (perhaps even on that day, 3/22) I felt much more pressure than usual from my ego. It’s almost like warning bells started going off in my head as soon as occasions – my birthday, a wedding, a vacation – came around that my mind saw as excuses I could use to “slack off” on eating healthily and exercising regularly.

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Love From Ed

I woke up this morning in a stinker of a mood and had no idea what to blog about or if I’d blog. I was up in the middle of the night throwing up last night thanks to a stomach bug and did not sleep well at all. I still felt extremely nauseous and also very exhausted when my alarm went off for work but I felt a bit better once I got out of bed and moved around, so I sucked it up and made the drive.

Typically, most of my thoughts during the commute were not centered around hoping that I would feel better soon, but around worrying how feeling sick would affect my eats and exercise. Would I be able to go to the gym today? I attended a cocktail class with food pairings last night at Barcelona in West Hartford, and had NOT planned on not being able to get in some cardio after work. I was regretting doing Group Power yesterday instead of a cardio workout. I wondered if I’d be able to eat my fruits and veggies or if I’d “have” to eat carbs, which would make my stomach feel better. A lot of future tripping, putting high standards on myself, being unkind when I already was feeling crappy enough. Eating disorder thoughts abound. I was getting multiple visits from ED and future tripping like crazy.

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Healthy Living Summit 2012 – Part Two

A quick FYI for my CT readers – one of my favorite spots for unique cocktails and tasty small plates in the Hartford area, Cuvee, is holding a special third-anniversary party at 7PM on Thursday 8/30 at their location in West Hartford’s Blueback Square. But there is ALSO a special VIP event with complimentary drinks, champagne tastings, apps, and more from 5-7PM. If you want to win a chance to attend, text BUBBLY to 37798! Maybe I’ll see you there!

I’m so glad you guys have been enjoying my HLS ’12 stories so far! When we last left off, I’d had a great Friday evening at the Cocktail Party, but was ready to hit the hay at my usual earlier hour.

Saturday:

I woke up after a bad night’s sleep (I never sleep well in hotels) and was STARVED! Heather and I headed down to breakfast and quickly encountered a problem…nothing vegan, except fruit. Fruit does not a fine breakfast make, so Heather had to spend money at the hotel’s overpriced little shop to buy a KIND bar to add some staying power to her fruit. I felt so badly that she wasn’t able to enjoy a yummy breakfast, and disappointed that HLS hadn’t considered that they may have some vegan attendees. In fact, I’d consider it to be MOST likely at this kind of conference! Heather did a good job of holding her head up high though and we made plans with a bunch of girls to go to Whole Foods for lunch later…something to most definitely look forward to.

Flash fruit photography.

I felt almost guilty that there were in turn so many options for an everythingarian like myself. Wild Harvest did indeed provide a delicious spread incorporating the five finalist recipes from their Breakfast Showdown. The winning recipe was announced as well, and I literally yelped in delight (and got some confused looks) when I saw that my roomie, blend, and fellow sometimes-CT resident Kelly had won!

I’m totally not surprised – after all, her recipe was Greek-inspired (she sends me Greek treats…love her), and Greek is always a WIN to me.

Umm, SOO freaking good, OMG! Definitely my favorite recipe too – Wild Harvest made a good choice!

I sampled all but one of the other recipes – a yogurt parfait, a potato/veggie hash, and maple turkey sausage. Black coffee on the side, le duh. My hunger monster was raging this entire weekend. It was hard to honor it – I am used to a much smaller breakfast. However I ate slowly, tried to enjoy and tune into my body, and gobbled every last bite of my meal below.

And cheered for my friend’s win!

Giant plastic gift card WHAAAT!

In the morning I attended a session on Hosting a Virtual Challenge with Amanda. I didn’t intend on holding any challenges on my blog, but thought I would get good info about “spreading the word” about my blog, what I write about, and me in general. That was certainly true, but I also got inspiration to perhaps do a challenge someday – maybe a more official take on #AmazingMe! Is that something you guys would be interested in?

I also got to spend a lot of time hanging out with REEBOK! It was great to see Kathryn and Johnice again and show them that I was rocking the gear I’d received at the Reebok event I attended in May at their HQ!

Lisa, me, and Heather showing the world that the sport of fitness has arrived!

Kathryn was doing a great job manning the booth and as usual was a multiple-camera-using maestro. She’s clearly used to being around bloggers!

I received Reebok Crossfit socks and have been wearing them for my workouts the last couple of days (not the same pair – ew). They’re so soft and stretchy!

They pair perfectly with my RealFlex Transitions!

Of course socks are small potatoes compared to the other gift every HLS attendee received – a pair of Reebok RealFlex Fusions!

Me (left) and Heather (right) reppin’ the neutral shoe colors with the bright accents!

I can’t believe how generous Reebok has been to me since I received my first pair of sneakers from them (the black ones pictured above) in May. THANK YOU REEBOK!

My collection 😀

I can also thank them for another chance to try Crossfit! We received black Crossfit headbands, lined up, and listened to the Crossfit coaches explain to us what Crossfit is, why it works, and some of its basic moves.

Me with the lovely Katie – I’m rocking my headband!

We did a 5-minute WOD (Workout of the Day) complete with 7 air squats and 15 jumps AMRAP (as many reps as possible). I didn’t count my reps because it was interfering with counting each squat/jump, but during the WOD my row’s coach came around and showed me how I could get lower if I just pushed my knees out a bit more. REVELATION! I seriously am excited to do squats in my group fitness classes now (I know, did I just say that?).

Photo courtesy of Meg – look at me air squat!

After the WOD I couldn’t help myself – had to personally thank the coaches for their services 😉 and get a private air-squat lesson from AJ!

Prom pic?

AJ helping me learn how to do wall squats. Sneaky blend photography!

After Crossfit I hung out with its champion, Rich Froning. He was way shorter than I’d pictured.

The other morning session, Blogging with Brands, was especially fun because it was another chance for me to see Fitfluential CEO Kelly Olexa serve on a panel! And hang with her after 😀

Aunt Kelly, you rock!

Skipping out on conference lunch to visit Whole Foods was so worth it, especially to see how happy it made my love Meg, who doesn’t have Whole Foods back home in Canada.

As usual I filled a big container to the brim with millions of ingredients, including falafel, curry potatoes, sesame tofu, PICKLES, mounds of grilled veg, and way more than I could ever remember.

Good lunch, great friends. Photo from Heather.

After lunch we attended a couple of other sessions, including I Am the Blogger in Your Neighborhood (with Meghann, Clare, and Holly), which reassured me that I am definitely on a good path with my local CT involvement and that it will continue to bring me many opportunities (in fact, I have a special announcement for you all tomorrow that falls along those very lines, dun dun dun…). We also caught the tail end of The Fuzzy Grey Areas of Blogging (which had a great hashtag, #HLS50Shades).

In between those two sessions, Heather and I hit the hotel gym for a 20-minute workout. I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t experience anxiety at HLS from being away from my normal workout routine. The Crossfit WOD was way less intense (due to the short length) than I’d pictured, and I just felt like I needed to sweat and get moving. Sometimes it’s hard for me to differentiate between whether or not I get these feelings because I WANT to work out or because I feel like I HAVE to. I completed 20 minutes of varied inclined treadmill running (a little over 2 miles) while watching some kind of SportsCenter-style show (the machine had five channels…) and called it a day. I did feel quite amazing afterward and woke up with sore quads the next day!

Coupon Caitlin

After the Chobani dinner that night, I came back rocking a lovely wine buzz. The photo above is courtesy of wine and Coupon Cabin‘s BlogHer sponsor booth.

Sunday:

I woke up after a better night’s sleep feeling completely indecisive over whether or not I should go to the hotel gym for a workout before Heather and I hit the road. I felt as if I should work out and that if I didn’t do it RIGHT THEN, I wouldn’t later when I got home. I got up to get ready, and was dragging ass the whole time. Let’s pack this bag, let’s gather these toiletries. Finally I realized that I didn’t want to go to the hotel gym. I wanted to wait until I got to my home gym later that afternoon and do my beloved sweaty StepMill routine and have an arm day. So I listened to my wants, not my shoulds. And later that day when I had a kickass workout at my home gym, it felt great!

Lovies!!!

Heather and I had the unfortunate task ahead of us of saying goodbye to all of our friends 🙁 our time together was so short! Meg has promised to come visit CT. She has always wanted to come here apparently! And CT has always wanted to see her visit!

Lisa, Chelsea, Heather, Meg, me, Linz

Heather and I visited a Boston cafe, thinking cup, that had been recommended to me on Twitter. We took our heavenly pour-over coffees into a park to enjoy and spotted two bloggers we hadn’t said goodbye to (or really met well) yet – Teri and Holly!

Teri is sooo J. Crew.

Heather and Holly made connections over journalism, and Teri and I bonded over our love for the South (she lives in NC just 20 minutes away from my relatives!) I only wish the four of us could have spent more time together during HLS! After the fortuitous meeting, we departed for a heavenly vegan brunch (but that’s a story for another post) and bid goodbye to Boston…that is, until I go back this Sunday 😛

Have you ever tried Crossfit and/or any Reebok products?

Have you ever been stuck in a situation in which your dietary restrictions were not accommodated?

Are you Whole Foods-deprived?