Tag Archives: recovery

Skinny Doesn’t Have To Mean Sick

I alluded to this post in this week’s Marvelous In My Monday. Now, I don’t like the word “skinny” because I think it’s too often used as a stupid label. So I hope this post’s title doesn’t turn anyone off. But it was the first one that came to mind and I couldn’t think of a better alternative. And despite my aversion for the word “skinny”, I have to be honest…it’s what I want to be. The desire to be skinny, stay skinny, get skinny, is in my head for a good chunk of each day. A much larger chunk than I’d like. But since I’m still in recovery, I guess that’s what I have to deal with. I just hope there’s an end point to that.

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I had a really good conversation with my therapist on Friday, during which she brought up an excellent point. I was telling her about last Wednesday night and how I got really full at dinner and almost had to make sure that I felt guilty about it afterwards. Why? So that I wouldn’t “be bad” again. I went through the exact same thing after my trip to Boston (and the restaurant hopping it included) over the weekend. There were actually a few moments on Sunday when I felt like I could easily push the ED thoughts aside and just move on with my day, but as soon as that notion entered my mind I felt a panic. How could I allow myself to feel the self love that I’d need to feel to push the thoughts aside and recognize that I deserve to enjoy life? In my mind that would only mean one thing…weight gain.

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MIMM: Home and Away

The winner of the Ellovi Body Butter giveaway is Mahdi! Congratulations and look for an email from me about getting you your free jar of raw six-ingredient body butter. Remember if you didn’t win you can get 15% off (click here to purchase a jar) by entering offer code “caitplusate”.

I went into the weekend wary of how I would handle my plans to visit my good friend/former neighbor Molly in Boston on Saturday night. I still wasn’t feeling good about myself after Wednesday night’s dinner out and was doing a lot of future-tripping over the guilt I would surely feel after a day and night of restaurant hopping in Beantown. For that reason I made sure to keep Friday night low-key and stayed in my hometown. Of course everything turned out marvelous in the end, as it often does. I’ve got another weekend of excellent memories and moments I’d re-live again in an instant, even if they also came with some not-so-kind thoughts toward myself.

Share your marvelous via Katie’s link-up!

Marvelous are…my tolerant, flexible parents. I was a bit of a mess when I got home Friday night. I’d been sitting in traffic, stewing with too much time to think about our evening dinner plans. We would have to fight that same traffic again to get over to our planned destination (Rizzuto’s in West Hartford) and it didn’t seem worth it. But if we didn’t go there, where would we go? I’d already mentally prepared myself for one restaurant and I know it sounds silly, but I do not handle plan changes well when it comes to food. Hello, control freak. My parents calmed me down when I got home and let me choose a new restaurant destination that I was comfortable with and that also wouldn’t take us on a highway. Speaking of which…

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Five Things Friday: Linking Up!

Check out yesterday’s post to see a review, discount code, and GIVEAWAY for Ellovi Butter, a raw six-ingredient body butter created by my friend from high school!

I’ve done Five Things Friday (or some variation) posts in the past but this is the first one I’ve done since Clare started her link-up! And I have several different things to say today so it’s very appropriate timing. I love these kinds of posts because I don’t have to focus on one topic. I can just bop around and share different news/insights/etc. And what do you know…Clare featured one of my posts in her Five Things Friday today! Thank you Clare!

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1. I got really full on Wednesday night. I felt anxious all day at work because not only did I do a morning (which means shorter than usual) workout, but I had dinner plans with Kat to eat in the Millwright’s Tavern. The staff at Millwright’s have a tendency to spoil me 😉 and I found myself future-tripping all day about whether or not that would happen. Well it did – Chef Tyler sent out some amazing appetizers after we’d ordered our (first) drinks and entrees.

Kale with 6-minute egg, tomatillos, blue cheese, bacon, &sweet onion vinaigrette.

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Accepting My New Normal

Thank you guys so much for your comments on yesterday’s post. It’s always a comfort to know I’m not alone in my seat on the crazy train. Writing is therapeutic for me and that’s why I’m back again today; I’ve needed to give myself a lot of self-therapy over the last 48 hours. Mondays are always the hardest for me mentally because I tend to do more “indulging” on the weekends. (Huge Sidebar: I’m putting indulging in quotes because I really can’t stand the word. If I “indulge” in something, but I do so every weekend, does that mean I’m indulging too much? Does that mean I’m doing something unhealthy on a weekly basis? Labeling X as an indulgence and Y as healthy really messes with my head, and that’s why I recently deleted my Indulgences board on Pinterest. I don’t need anything else around tempting me to categorize my food.)

OK, back to your regular programming. Yesterday was a particularly sucky-mindset Monday for me, despite your awesome support and reassurance. I’ve reached a point in my recovery where I do not give in as easily to ED’s temptations to restrict and over-exercise and hide from a life worth living. In terms of the way I actually live out that life, I am for sure in a better place than I was a year ago. But that does not mean the mind fuck of an eating disorder goes away. In fact, it means I’m dealing with a more self-degradation than ever before. Gone is that comforting feeling of constant hunger. Gone is the minimum of 200 minutes of cardio per week that I always HAD to do. And most scary at all, gone is the belt that I used to have to wear with all of my jeans.

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No Alarm, No Problem? Not Quite.

Thank you to all who entered my giveaway for a personal wine cellar from Staples! Congrats to the winner…Heather! And remember to not forget Staples for your appliance needs…they don’t just sell paper clips!

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Ever since I started going out more frequently on weekends, and staying out later when I do so, I’ve been fighting that little voice in my head telling me I “shouldn’t” be doing it. I figured/told myself that once temperatures started descending the summer nights would disappear and so would my desire to go out. However, this hasn’t been the case. I’ve got the energy to fight the cold, get dolled up, and hit the dance floor after dinner.

Rooftop 120 chocolate martini shots!

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Sacrifices That Aren’t Worth It

In case you missed it, I posted a pretty fantastic giveaway yesterday, for a personal wine fridge from Staples! Check out the post and enter – you have until tomorrow night!

I’m writing this post while feeling guilty about staying out til 11PM last night to do trivia at Plan B after dinner at Rooftop 120. I had more to drink than I would have if I’d stayed home instead. I snacked when I got home (I mean it was on white bean chicken chili, but it was still nighttime snacking, therefore I feel bad). I had some fried crab cakes at Rooftop. I feel dehydrated and bloated.

I was the "scribe" for our team (just like I always was in elementary school).

I was the “scribe” for our team (just like I always was in elementary school).

But I also had a very good time with my friends. I took advantage of the fact that I am young, able to get seven hours of sleep without feeling TOO dead the next day (though I feel pretty dead I also know I’m a sleep diva), and still living at home so I have money saved to allow myself to go out and buy drinks and dinner. I even went to spin class before my plans.

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Marvelous Work Day (Yeah Right)

The Biena Foods roasted chickpea snacks giveaway closes tonight at 11:59PM EST, so make sure to enter! I will announce the winner tomorrow.

Who has the day off for Columbus Day? Oh, you do? Well I don’t like you. Sorry, I am a bitter Betty today. My alarm went off for work and I felt as if I could’ve slept another few hours (realistically I probably would have slept about one hour more, but I’m just sayin’).

At least Columbus Day meant my commute was not long or crowded.

Let’s focus on the marvelous though, because it’s marvelous that I even have a job, after all. And my weekend was full of marvelous too.

Be sure to join Katie’s link-up and share your marvelous!

Marvelous is…Friday night pizza and salad at Kat‘s house with her, hubby Mike, and baby Penelope. I provided the wine, Kat provided the delicious food, and Penelope provided the laughs (and alas tears – she is teething). Kat prepared a fresh spinach salad with radishes, heirloom tomatoes, balsamic, and EVOO. She also made four naan flatbreads – one with roasted shredded baby cabbages and goat cheese (we obviously had some on the side too), one with fig and prosciutto, and two with buffalo chicken and fresh basil (bro-friendly for Mike). My favorite was definitely the fig and prosciutto but the Brussels pizza was obviously a close second.

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WIAW Goes to College

I think it’s fitting to start this post with the Asher Roth classic, “I Love College”! This was my jam during my sophomore year.


What wasn’t my jam was some of the food I lived off of! College is the time period during which I became more adventurous and expanded my palate. It also is the time period during which I developed my eating disorder. I had a lot of different food phases in college. I went from a freshman year of fourth-meals to senior year of starting recovery and learning that eating a rare fourth meal wasn’t going to kill me (especially when I’d skipped the day’s first…second…etc meals). I figured I’d start with sharing some freshman year faves and end with the foodie faves I started to explore both before I developed my ED (when I started trying to “tone up”) and after I entered recovery.

Thanks Jenn for hosting this party!

So about that fourth meal…

My go-to late night meals freshman year consisted of honey BBQ boneless wings, cheese pizza dipped in ranch or bleu cheese dressing, calzones, and Domino’s CinnaStix and Cheesy Bread. Yeah, told you I used to eat very differently! Toward the beginning of my entry to college I’d say I was ordering late-night food every night! It was at this point that some freshman pounds definitely crept on.

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Friday Five: All the Topics

Thanks for the well wishes on my belated two-year blogiversary post yesterday! Your comments never fail to make me say “aw, shucks”.

I have a thousand ideas for posts bouncing around in my head and a bunch of stuff to talk about so how about I just do a Friday Five? That way I can talk about five of all the things. Killing five birds with one stone, or five topics with one blog post for the PETA-members out there.

1. The Onyx Moonshine Gatsby Ball is tonight!

I go to a lot of events and I can’t remember the last time I was this excited for one. Onyx is an awesome local company I have worked with since I started my blog and I was thrilled to be invited to their Moonshine Ball & Onyx 111 Infusion Challenge tonight at the Wadsworth Mansion at Long Hill in Middletown (where Kaitlin is getting married next year!). I’ve got a flapper dress and fedora packed to change into after the gym, and am ready for some yummy eats from Wood-n-Tap. Some great restaurants (Krust and Pond House Grill for example) are participating in the infusion challenge, which uses the newer Onyx 111 proof. I and other guests will get a chance to try and vote on the infusions, and local foodie judges will make the final decision as to which restaurant will be crowned champion! I am attending with Kat and am so excited to dance the night away!

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This is the dress! This pic was taken in June 2009 – I have gotten great wear out of the dress for several Halloween/costume events and many friends have borrowed it and done the same! Best thing is it cost about $20 from Forever 21.

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Helping a Marvelous Cause

It’s time for a special Marvelous In My Monday (MIMM) in celebration of a marvelous cause! I blogged on Friday about my plan to participate in this past Saturday’s 2013 Hartford NEDA Walk (the second ever) as Team Caption of Team Amazing Me. I’m proud to share that we raised the fourth highest amount of any team – a grand total of $595.00 if you add in day-of donations that aren’t showing online. Currently the Walk website shows over $28,000 raised, which may not be the $35,000 goal, but I have not yet seen a grand total tally that includes day-of registration and donations!

Be sure to join Katie’s link-up and share your marvelous!

I can’t express enough how thankful I am to my parents and friends for putting aside time to walk with me, and to anyone who donated. As my mom said, it’s a shame we even have to have a walk for this, but it’s eating disorders are an important and prevalent issue that cannot be ignored. Participating only made me more excited and anxious to take on more advocacy efforts. I even signed up to receive advocacy action alerts!

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Meet Caitlin

I’m a 28 year old full-time working girl living in Boston (previously lived in Connecticut). I’m passionate about food/drink, restaurants, self-love, fitness, and the ever-present search for balance. I write about that journey on this blog – I hope you enjoy!

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Design Credit

My header was originally designed by Mai Le and later tweaked by Chris Roggi to match this theme, which he helped me customize. He also moved me over to self-hosting! Both can be contacted through their sites for design & development work!

Disclaimer

I am not an RD and do not have any official training, certifications, or degrees in nutrition or fitness. This blog is a way to write about my life. Any views I express are mine alone, based on what works for me, and should never be taken as medical advice. Always talk to your doctor or a trained professional before starting a new diet or fitness plan. In addition, this blog and its content are in no way affiliated with Kate Gosselin, “Kate Plus 8”, TLC, or any related affiliates.

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