Tag Archives: eating disorder

Back In Town

Tonight is New Year’s Eve, and I wish I could say I’m going into it ready to enjoy myself, but I’m experiencing lots of hesitation about my plans for the evening. I don’t have super-high expectations of a special New Year’s Eve; I learned long ago not to hope for “that magical night”. But my plans involve dinner at Bricco Trattoria then celebrating at Rooftop120. I’m going to be with my siblings and some of my oldest friends. I need to be excited! But New Year’s Eve out after trips to NYC and Florida, which happened to fall around the food-and-drink-heavy Christmas season, just has me thinking about calories. And the poor workout I will have the next day if I feel even the slightest bit hungover.

I got in almost all of the restaurant trips I wanted to this vacation. I already mentioned Chick-fil-A and Duffy’s. I also got to have a healthy plant-based lunch at Christopher’s Kitchen, got my Quizno’s fix in the airport during the trip home, had a special dinner at Seasons 52 with my family, Kat, and her sister, and got to take my sister and good friend Greg to the Rum Bar for some tropical beverages. And though TooJay’s was out of black and white cookies on Christmas Day, I got one later!

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I Hate Pants

I woke up this morning with the urge to write this post so what I had planned for today will be up tomorrow. Now “hate” is a strong word. And I know that pants, especially given the fact that it’s sleeting outside in CT right now, are necessary at times. But I have to say, pants are my least favorite article of clothing. Pants have the power (or I give them the power) to completely change my mood. Pants give me a number that my mind can grasp upon and use to beat me up. Pants are a form of measurement, and when the measuring consists of noticing that you absolutely don’t need a belt with pants you used to need one with, it’s really enough to make you want to throw the pants in a heap and live in yoga pants.

Maxis are nice too.

Bikinis get a bad rap as being the dreaded article of clothing for those with body image issues. But I beg to differ. At least when I wear a bikini, I can put something on over it to cover it up and feel fine. Bikinis have stretchy waists that are sometimes even adjustable. Though I’ve been experiencing anxiety about wearing a bathing suit in Florida at the end of this month, it isn’t comparable to the anxiety I feel each morning I wake up and have to put on a pair of jeans that have just been washed.

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Skinny Doesn’t Have To Mean Sick

I alluded to this post in this week’s Marvelous In My Monday. Now, I don’t like the word “skinny” because I think it’s too often used as a stupid label. So I hope this post’s title doesn’t turn anyone off. But it was the first one that came to mind and I couldn’t think of a better alternative. And despite my aversion for the word “skinny”, I have to be honest…it’s what I want to be. The desire to be skinny, stay skinny, get skinny, is in my head for a good chunk of each day. A much larger chunk than I’d like. But since I’m still in recovery, I guess that’s what I have to deal with. I just hope there’s an end point to that.

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I had a really good conversation with my therapist on Friday, during which she brought up an excellent point. I was telling her about last Wednesday night and how I got really full at dinner and almost had to make sure that I felt guilty about it afterwards. Why? So that I wouldn’t “be bad” again. I went through the exact same thing after my trip to Boston (and the restaurant hopping it included) over the weekend. There were actually a few moments on Sunday when I felt like I could easily push the ED thoughts aside and just move on with my day, but as soon as that notion entered my mind I felt a panic. How could I allow myself to feel the self love that I’d need to feel to push the thoughts aside and recognize that I deserve to enjoy life? In my mind that would only mean one thing…weight gain.

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Five Things Friday: Linking Up!

Check out yesterday’s post to see a review, discount code, and GIVEAWAY for Ellovi Butter, a raw six-ingredient body butter created by my friend from high school!

I’ve done Five Things Friday (or some variation) posts in the past but this is the first one I’ve done since Clare started her link-up! And I have several different things to say today so it’s very appropriate timing. I love these kinds of posts because I don’t have to focus on one topic. I can just bop around and share different news/insights/etc. And what do you know…Clare featured one of my posts in her Five Things Friday today! Thank you Clare!

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1. I got really full on Wednesday night. I felt anxious all day at work because not only did I do a morning (which means shorter than usual) workout, but I had dinner plans with Kat to eat in the Millwright’s Tavern. The staff at Millwright’s have a tendency to spoil me 😉 and I found myself future-tripping all day about whether or not that would happen. Well it did – Chef Tyler sent out some amazing appetizers after we’d ordered our (first) drinks and entrees.

Kale with 6-minute egg, tomatillos, blue cheese, bacon, &sweet onion vinaigrette.

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Accepting My New Normal

Thank you guys so much for your comments on yesterday’s post. It’s always a comfort to know I’m not alone in my seat on the crazy train. Writing is therapeutic for me and that’s why I’m back again today; I’ve needed to give myself a lot of self-therapy over the last 48 hours. Mondays are always the hardest for me mentally because I tend to do more “indulging” on the weekends. (Huge Sidebar: I’m putting indulging in quotes because I really can’t stand the word. If I “indulge” in something, but I do so every weekend, does that mean I’m indulging too much? Does that mean I’m doing something unhealthy on a weekly basis? Labeling X as an indulgence and Y as healthy really messes with my head, and that’s why I recently deleted my Indulgences board on Pinterest. I don’t need anything else around tempting me to categorize my food.)

OK, back to your regular programming. Yesterday was a particularly sucky-mindset Monday for me, despite your awesome support and reassurance. I’ve reached a point in my recovery where I do not give in as easily to ED’s temptations to restrict and over-exercise and hide from a life worth living. In terms of the way I actually live out that life, I am for sure in a better place than I was a year ago. But that does not mean the mind fuck of an eating disorder goes away. In fact, it means I’m dealing with a more self-degradation than ever before. Gone is that comforting feeling of constant hunger. Gone is the minimum of 200 minutes of cardio per week that I always HAD to do. And most scary at all, gone is the belt that I used to have to wear with all of my jeans.

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Sacrifices That Aren’t Worth It

In case you missed it, I posted a pretty fantastic giveaway yesterday, for a personal wine fridge from Staples! Check out the post and enter – you have until tomorrow night!

I’m writing this post while feeling guilty about staying out til 11PM last night to do trivia at Plan B after dinner at Rooftop 120. I had more to drink than I would have if I’d stayed home instead. I snacked when I got home (I mean it was on white bean chicken chili, but it was still nighttime snacking, therefore I feel bad). I had some fried crab cakes at Rooftop. I feel dehydrated and bloated.

I was the "scribe" for our team (just like I always was in elementary school).

I was the “scribe” for our team (just like I always was in elementary school).

But I also had a very good time with my friends. I took advantage of the fact that I am young, able to get seven hours of sleep without feeling TOO dead the next day (though I feel pretty dead I also know I’m a sleep diva), and still living at home so I have money saved to allow myself to go out and buy drinks and dinner. I even went to spin class before my plans.

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Keep Your Comments To Yourself

Thanks for your supportive comments on yesterday’s post! I’m glad you guys enjoyed my pictures and thanks for helping me see the positive.

“Want a brownie? You sure could use a few!”

“Damn girl, where do you put it all?!”

“How do you eat that and stay so slim?!”

“Have a bite of my burger! It’s not like you don’t need it.”

I hear these comments fairly often. People feel the need to make them in a variety of situations. Maybe it’s when I’m waiting in line at a café for my coffee, and someone else in line notices me checking out the pastry case. Maybe it’s when I go out to eat with friends and order a salad while someone in my party orders something heavier. Maybe it’s from a waiter when I clean my plate.

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Semi-Wordless: Tennessee Trip

I don’t really feel like writing about my long weekend in Tennessee. I wish I could write a blog post that reports great success, or at least success compared to last year’s trip, but I don’t feel like I can.

Scenes from the plane – got through the first season of Breaking Bad! And sipped on Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey.

I made it to the game this year, but not past the first quarter. I made an attempt to rally later in the game after Tennessee tied it up, and enjoyed watching the last quarter in the hotel bar with my Nana Connie.

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WIAW Goes to College

I think it’s fitting to start this post with the Asher Roth classic, “I Love College”! This was my jam during my sophomore year.


What wasn’t my jam was some of the food I lived off of! College is the time period during which I became more adventurous and expanded my palate. It also is the time period during which I developed my eating disorder. I had a lot of different food phases in college. I went from a freshman year of fourth-meals to senior year of starting recovery and learning that eating a rare fourth meal wasn’t going to kill me (especially when I’d skipped the day’s first…second…etc meals). I figured I’d start with sharing some freshman year faves and end with the foodie faves I started to explore both before I developed my ED (when I started trying to “tone up”) and after I entered recovery.

Thanks Jenn for hosting this party!

So about that fourth meal…

My go-to late night meals freshman year consisted of honey BBQ boneless wings, cheese pizza dipped in ranch or bleu cheese dressing, calzones, and Domino’s CinnaStix and Cheesy Bread. Yeah, told you I used to eat very differently! Toward the beginning of my entry to college I’d say I was ordering late-night food every night! It was at this point that some freshman pounds definitely crept on.

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Cait Plus Rach in Newport – Part 2

Before reading this final post about my first two posts on my long weekend in Rhode Island, you can read the first two posts – about an afternoon in Providence and our first few restaurant stops in Newport – if you missed them!

Saturday Afternoon

After being sufficiently wined at Newport Vineyards, Rachel and I made our way back to Downtown Newport to try a new (only a few months old) spot we’d both eyed the night before – Midtown Oyster Bar. The main allure came from the rooftop dining options, but the inside of the restaurant, with its multiple levels and huge open spaces, was gorgeous as well.

View from our seat!

View from our table!

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Meet Caitlin

I’m a 28 year old full-time working girl living in Boston (previously lived in Connecticut). I’m passionate about food/drink, restaurants, self-love, fitness, and the ever-present search for balance. I write about that journey on this blog – I hope you enjoy!

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Design Credit

My header was originally designed by Mai Le and later tweaked by Chris Roggi to match this theme, which he helped me customize. He also moved me over to self-hosting! Both can be contacted through their sites for design & development work!

Disclaimer

I am not an RD and do not have any official training, certifications, or degrees in nutrition or fitness. This blog is a way to write about my life. Any views I express are mine alone, based on what works for me, and should never be taken as medical advice. Always talk to your doctor or a trained professional before starting a new diet or fitness plan. In addition, this blog and its content are in no way affiliated with Kate Gosselin, “Kate Plus 8”, TLC, or any related affiliates.

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